Meet Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

This is our new foster kitten. Her name is Kitty Kitty Bang Bang because thats a completely awesome name. She has a bad case of the pink eye, so we have to hold her down three times a day and give her eye drops while she screams like she's being murdered.

The pink eye sounds gross, but it's actually completely adorable. She pretty much runs around with one eye shut, banging into things like a drunk pirate, unless we catch her and clean the gunk out of it.

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang's interests include purring like crazy, drinking water from the shower and clawing your face while you sleep; and she will be available for adoption one week from now.

Look at those adorable wonky eyes.

Van Gogh Nails

These are my favorite nails yet, and they were actually pretty easy. The only tricky bit is doing the blending in the sky. My other hand, however, looks less like a Starry Night and more like someone vomited a blueberry smoothie onto my nails. I need to cultivate some ambidextrousness.*

*My spell check didn't pick that up, which makes it an actual word, I guess? 

Kitten Torture Session of the Week

Why feed your kittens when you can make them fight for their food, hunger games style?

All the above kittens have been adopted, but their mom is still hanging out in the SPCA. It's hard for adult cats, especially when they're black. No, actually. People are really racist about adopting cats, no one wants the black ones.

What Frances Did Today: I Became a (self) Certified Online Cat Psychic

As my regular readers will know, I am perpetually bored. I don't go to University, I don't have a a job, I don't do my own laundry. I pretty much sit around waiting for my bones to knit together and googling stuff like 'why are my toes so weird?', 'what's it like having six fingers?' and 'how can i tell if my cat has ADHD?'.

In one of my recent attempts to amuse myself, I created a fiverr account under the nom de plume 'Naomi De Plume (I am so super witty, I know) and offered to perform psychic readings on stranger's cats over the internet.

There's a lot of things to explain in that sentence. Let's work our way through it.

1. Fiverr is a website where people offer to perform a service online for $5. Stuff like proof reading documents, designing a logo, doing other peoples homework. It's a pretty cool site.

2. I didn't want to use my real name because I don't want future employers to google me and find out what kind of person I actually am.

3. I am totally cat psychic. I have all the same qualifications that human psychics have: I own a lot of crystals, I'm liberal with the eyeliner and I can whip out new age phrases like 'astral plane', 'spiritual harmony', 'quantum presence', 'holistic truths' like nobodies business.

Here's my service description on fiverr:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have known what cats are saying. Usually, it's 'I want food'. But beyond that, in every cat, there is a plethora of complex emotions, neuroses and desires yearning to be heard.
That's where I come in: Send me a photo and a brief description of your cat's lifestyle, and I will provide a psychic reading using my plane transcendal astral cat guide, Peanut, as a medium. Also, I'll use crystals. Tons of crystals.
In order to gain a spiritual connection with your cat, I will require a photograph of the cat, with their eyes clearly visible.
A brief description of their lifestyle will also be useful for me to interpret their spiritual feline energy.
Also send any specific questions you have.
Namaste.

And now, a small demonstration of my skills.

This cat feels unfulfilled in its current life role, and wishes to explore new hobbies. I suggest a laser pointer.

This cat does not want to wear a sweater. Also, she is concerned with your growing dependence on online shopping. 

This cat is worried about the environment. 

This is going to be super fun. Here's the link if you or anyone you know need some feline energy translated.

The truly depressing thing about this whole situation is not that I'm doing this, but that I'm not the only cat psychic on this website.

Nail Art: Facebook Manicure

Me, exhibiting my hand-model skills.

I've gotten a little it obsessed with those nail art tutorials you find on youtube, and after three attempts at doing galaxy nails last night, I gave up and did these instead. They're a little shaky because I was too lazy to use tape on my french tips and just freehanded it, but they still turned out cool.

These are the nails I was aiming for. I tried a bunch of different sponging techniques to get them to blend nicely, but it wasn't working. I couldn't manage the little white stars, either. Anyone got any tips?

Adopt Yoko: She's Cool With Being Forced To Wear a Tiny Sweater For your Amusement

"You will be the first to die when I grow thumbs."

We have one more week before we return Yoko, Prudence, Lucy and Sadie to the SPCA to be de-ovaried and re-homed. And then we get a fresh batch of kittens- yay!
But not before a short break, where I will appreciate such things as:
-Not waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of three kittens breastfeeding loudly, inches away from your face
- Not having to disinfect the shower before every use just in case someone peed in it
- A short period of time where the multiple scratches, scrapes abrasions and scars covering every inch of my body can start to heal
- Using the toilet without someone jumping on my lap to hang out
- Being able to eat yoghurt or sushi without being mauled

I know the kittens will be adopted instantly, but I really hope Yoko finds a home too. She's such a cool cat- super friendly and talkative, and she actually comes when she's called, which is a rarity in cats, who generally prefer to just come when they feel like it or when they think there might be a california roll to steal.

xx

I am SO ready for you, Zombie Apocalypse

I have seen all of the zombie movies. All of them. And not just because post apocalyptic fiction is my favorite genre, but because I'm preparing.
FOR THIS.
This weekend, a naked guy in Miami was shot by police when he refused to sop eating a homeless guy's face. They're saying it was cocaine madness (that would make an excellent band name. dibbs.), but they are clearly wrong. It's totes the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. And I'm ready.
Assuming these are Romero type zombies (slow, virus spreads by bites with a long incubation period) rather than 28 Days Later rage virus (zombies fast, virus takes effect instantly); we pretty much have to stay safe from the zombies for about 50 days; which is how long it takes a human body to decompose to the point where they'd no longer be a threat.*
My plan is boats. If the Walking Dead taught us anything (aside from the fact that an amazing premise and budget does not necessarily make for an amazing show) it's that people are as big a threat during the zombie apocalypse than the titular zombies.
So, my plan is to load up enough food, water and reading materials for sixty days, gather a crew, and go steal a boat. I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean, how hard can t be?**
As for weapons: we're going with garden machetes and cricket bats. Although the plan is to avoid battle, theres always a chance we might need to go on shore for supplies or something. I know people always say they would want a katana or a shotgun, but katanas actually suck for severing heads (thank you, google) and, come on. This isn't America. Nobody has a shotgun you can steal.

*If anyone ever investigated my google search history, I would come off as a complete psychopath.
** There is an opening in my survival team (which I have just named Team Cocaine Madness) for someone who actually knows how to sail a boat.

Flavors of the Month

I'm selling cupcakes the fringe bar market on Cuba street this saturday; and Karl designed me this super sweet menu. I really have literally nothing going on in my life right now apart from kitten rearing and growing the layers out of my hair, so I focus a lot of energy on making new flavors for my cupcake weekends.
Let's break it down:

1. WHITE CHOCOLATE EXPRESSO. This is going to be insane delicious. For real. It's got a surprise gooey white chocolate ganache centre; and the sweet ooziness is going to balance out the strong, rich coffee flavor in the frosting. 
2. PEANUT BUTTER FUDGE. My favorite flavor- the base is pretty much like a giant cupcake brownie, and the frosting is 50% pure peanut butter, with just enough confectioners sugar and cream to get it to an awesome, whipped consistency. And it's drizzled with dark chocolate because THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
3. LAVENDER & WILD HONEY. The wild card. It's a fluffy vanilla cake with the butter substituted for homemade lavender butter- most recipes using lavender just mix it in with the batter, but I thought it would be better to do it the same way you make hash brownies- don't just throw it in there, make hash butter first! And I was totally right. It's waaay stronger that way.
4. CHAMPAGNE & STRAWBERRIES. I carried this over from last month because it was my favorite. I didn't really think I'd like it because I'm not so into champagne*; but for some reason when its turned into frosting it just become the best thing in the world. Also, these each have a whole strawberry in the centre and I like getting to eat tons of strawberries while baking. Win win.

*A couple of valentines days ago, Karl** and I won this massive prize pack that included a whole bottle of champagne at San Fran. I refused to drink it, so he choked down the entire bottle because I didn't want it to go to waste, and then puked it up on the side of the road. Later, we found out out was an $150 bottle. We have no taste, apparently. 

** Thank you Karl for designing this menu. Karl can totally design stuff for you too, hit him up on his blog!

DIY with Frances: Magical String Lamp!

BEHOLD.

This lamp is ridiculously cool. Its all hempy and crap, makes our flat look super organic and stuff, and implies we are the type of people who recycle and eat artichokes and ride our groceries home in a basket crate on the handlebars of our restored vintage bicycles*.
All that from one lamp? Yes. Thats how intense this lamp is. And you too can experience the joy, by following these simple steps:

1. Buy a ginourmous balloon from the Met Shop off Cuba st. There is a cafe next door that does great wedges. Check it out. 
2. Get a ton of PVA glue, vaseline, string and newspapers. I don't know why newspapers still exist, but I do know you can get them for free at the Vic campus, so you can save some cash money by doing that.
3. Lay out the newspapers to protect your lovely countertops from damage. If your countertops are already gross, you can omit this step.
4. Inflate balloon and slather it lovingly with vaseline. Then have your assistant fill their palms with glue. Run the string through the glue and wrap it around the balloon, turning it as you do so. Continue for ages and ages until your happy with the density of string. Make sure to leave a gap at the top to fit over the light fitting.
5. Hang it to dry for 48 hours.
6. Pierce the balloon and gradually let the air escape. 
7. Congratulations, you have achieved lamp! 

*We are not that kind of people. Last week we decided we wanted to eat an artichoke so we went to Moore Wilsons to try and find one; but we didn't know what they looked like and we were too embarrassed to ask so we just gave up. Later, when we were on a candy run at New World Metro, Karl found a container of Jerusalem Artichokes and we bought some. I don't know what the hell those tuberous monstrosities are, but they are NOT ARTICHOKES. Also, I can't ride a bike. 

This is the Next Big Thing in Baking: Cupcakewurst!

Word on the blogosphere is that after french macarons* and cupcakes, the next big thing in baking is cake pops. This is not true. I hate cakepops. They are stupid. I refuse to engage in cake-popping.

Ugh.

The next big thing in baking, the confection that will be all over your pinterest like herpes, is CUPCAKEWURST.

Behold!

It's cupcake batter, in a sausage skin casing and grilled. Of course, the downside of this is that you have to grope intestines as part of your baking process now, and feeling uncomfortable about touching meat is pretty much the reason I became a vegetarian** (unlike Kim Kardashian, who became famous because she WAS comfortable touching meat. Zing!).

Food that looks like other food! Cuuuute.

In other baking related news, I'm going to be peddling my buttery wares at the Fringe Market instead of the Mighty Mighty Market this month. Just felt like a change of scenery; and also a lot of the girls that hang out there don't eat so it was kind of a flawed business model to start with. I'll be there at 191 Cuba street  from dawn till dusk on Saturday the 26th- and my super cool friend Alice will be with me and she's making us MATCHING APRONS. Like a REAL buisness. I am so excited, you guys.

*WHICH I CAN MAKE. My macarons have such beautiful feet that Quentin Tarantino and Joss Whedon would fight to the death over them.
**More of a watery pescatarian these days, if I'm honest.

Total Nightmare Fuel

So. Wrong.

This popped up on my tumblr* today and its the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

It's a child's skull before losing baby teeth.

What the hell?? I mean, I guess I knew your adult teeth were waiting under there; but I kind of though they grew out or something. Like pearly white spring flowers, sprouting timely from the warm earth. Not like that abomination.

This picture concerns me in a lot of ways, one of the biggest being, what happens to the space in your jawbone when the teeth migrate out? Do you just have dark, empty caverns that once housed teeth, or do they close in or something? Grosses me out.

*Yeah, I have a tumblr. Down with the kids and whatnot. 

Kitten Update: Naming Edition

Our new batch of kittens are coming along nicely. They have been increasing in fluffiness, laser pointer chasing skills and neck cuddles at a rapid rate; and also decreasing in pooping on floor and sneeziness.

Not creepy to take pictures of people while they're sleeping if kittens are involved.

They've been a little ill the past few weeks, but they've had a course of antibiotics and multiple lullabies and they're almost all better. So much better, in fact, that I think I can stop inspecting their poop twice a day for signs of disease like I'm reading freakin tea leaves.

We have also finally named them. We started off with the little grey one, who we named Dear Prudence, because that's what I sang to her while she ill and wouldn't stop crying. So then we named the two black ones Lucy and Sadie*, for matchy-ness; and the mother Yoko also for matchy-ness and because for a while there we were calling her 'asian cat' because she looks like one of the evil asian cats from Lady & the Tramp and we were like, 'wait, is this racist' and we decided maybe, so, Yoko it is. Definitely less racist.

Also, pretty much all of my photos are of Pru, not because I like her the most(although I do) but because black cats awkwardly aren't that photogenic.

*You can tell the difference between them because Sadie has a distended anus.**
**DON'T JUDGE. She's still cute. 

Four (More) Things I Really Want To Buy, But Shouldn't

The second installment. For those of you who are regular readers of this blog, you'll be happy to know I now own 3 of the 5 things on my old riducu-list. Ten points for whoever guesses which. Now without further ado, here is the 2012 list of Things I Really Want To Buy (But Shouldn't): 

1. ENORMOUS ARMCHAIR COUCH THING

I found this chair in freedom when Karl and I were shopping for our imaginary future-house.* You don't really get a great sense of scale from the photo, but trust me, it is ENOURMOUS. Two people can easily settle down on this beast of a chair for an evening of drinking airplane size liquor bottles and pretending to be in Alice and Wonderland world. Three, if they're skinny.

However, it costs nearly 2k and I can't reasonably spend that money when the Salvation Army sells perfectly good moldy armchairs that someone probably died in for a fraction of the cost. Also, it's white, and I am currently parenting three kittens who haven't quite mastered the use of their sphincters, so, no sale. Sadface. 

2. Jedi Robe

Those of you who watch Game of Thrones will know that Winter Is Coming. And it's going to be cold, especially in an uninsulated Wellington flat. Which is why(prepare for pop culture reference shift) it's more practical than ever for me to buy a deluxe Jedi Robe to use as a dressing gown around the house.

There are several online options for jedi robes online, ranging from thinkgeek.com at the low end, to the aptly named jedi-robe.com at the high. All options are equally dorky.

The main thing that's holding me back is that if I buy this, I'm in inevitably going to wear it to the dairy at some point, and Patel(Aro Valley dairy is the WORST) already eyes me up like I'm a shoplifter so I don't want to strain relations further.

3. Renly Baratheon's Stag Crown

Of course Renly has the most fabulous headwear in the series.

 Moving on from Star Wars and back to Game of Thrones, I need this crown. Spoiler alert, Renly Baratheon doesn't, he got stabbed by a vagina shadow monster. But I want one. 

I don't actually know if anyone is producing these commercially, but please can you? This is a hundred times more badass than those Lana Del Rey flower crowns everyone is into. If someone can track this bad boy down for me, I will buy it so hard and wear it at all times without a trace of irony.**

4. JEFFREY CAMPBELL SUSPECT PLATFORMS

Nasty Gal has long been the number one port of call for slutty hipster wear; and they have not disappointed with their latest offering. These shoes are amazing. I love the juxtaposition of the giant 90’s Spice World-esque platforms with the clear plastic stripper heel straps. These look like something Courtney Stodden*** would wear if she was a Dutch milkmaid, on her way to market with a basket of hot pink tulips.****

Who am I kidding, I’m totally going to buy them.

xoxo

* It’s not so much a house as the Batcave, really. And I’m not so much going to be living there with Karl as I am with Christian Bale.

** In other Game of Thrones news, I'm working on an embroidery piece of Daenerys eating the bloody stallion's heart. Medium to high obsessed with that show. KING IN THE NORTH!

*** Don’t know who Courtney is? You’re missing out.

**** Feels like a missed opportunity for a joke about dykes.

Some Awkward Teenagers Holding My Cupcakes

I never actually saw any of them take a bite.

Mighty Mighty May

Credit to Karl for my adorable menu.

This weekend I cleaned up at the Mighty Mighty Market, although I did immediately spend most of my lucre on long island iced teas and frosted cherry pop tarts (thank you, Nik Naks*). The rest is going towards the wardrobe budget for my fantasy surfing holiday to Noumea. 

All of my cupcakes, bar one, had alcoholic frostings and they were pretty delicious. My favorite was the strawberry shortcake cupcake with Champagne frosting, which I hand decorated with different sized silver cachous, to be evocative of bubbles. See, major thought goes into this shit- I don't just toss on some sprinkles and call it a day.

Sometimes I think about not bothering with university and just running off to Vienna to go to a fancy dessert academy or wherever it is pastry chefs come from; but then I remember the reality is probably a lifetime of waking up at 3am everyday and spending six hours hand peeling almonds, then having French people yell at you because you botched your macronage and your meringue is too runny, so I decide to stick with my far more practical BA in Art History and Philosophy. 

*For those of you who aren't in the know like I am, Nik Naks is an amazing dairy on Cuba St that sells all kinds of exciting American candy and also has the distinction of having the finest pick n' mix selection in the lower North Island.