Kitten of the Week: Celebrity Edition

Jane Fonda

Christina Ricci 

Bowie 

Morgan Freeman 

Freddie Mercury

Steve Martin

Love how fat Steve and Wednesdays are. Reminds me of my furbaby.

DIY with Frances: Beer Bottle Vase

You have no idea what I went through to make those tulips stand staight. Fucking flaccid dutch bastards.

Not like we need more proof that binge drinking is awesome; but here it is anyway- something fun and artsy to do with your empties.

Design stores have know for a long time that spray painting a normal object white is an easy way to make it classy and expensive in T minus five- just look at all that crap they sell at Iko Iko.

So I bought this four pack and made my boyfriend drink it( I'm one of those annoying girls that won't drink beer*); then went to town.

WHAT YOU NEED:

Two things. Boom. Make sure you bring your ID when you buy the spray paint.

METHOD:

1. Soak your bottles in hot water and scrub the labels off. If they're not coming off, a little tea tree oil in the water will help.

2. Put some newspaper down outside and do two coats; leaving twenty minutes between. Make sure you get in all the nooks and crannies around the lip of the bottle.

3. Let dry overnight, jam in your flowers and you're good to go!

*My drink of choice is one part vodka to one part lemon juice; on the rocks, because that's what Chelsea Handler drinks, and she dates 50 Cent, so, yeah. QED. Also, soft drink mixers are just calories you're not getting back.

I miss this kid.

I was going through my photos from India and I ran across these ones of my favorite baby; Chimchar*. I've posted about her before but what I was meaning to discuss about her (besides the fact that she rides a motorcycle and has her own goat; awesome!) is her eyeliner.

In the part of Rajasthan I was in all the babies, male and female, wear smudgy black eyeliner and black marks on their faces every day from the time they are born pretty much until they are about 10 years old. The moms don't do it to them to make them look pretty, like on those creepy child pageant shows, but to make them look ugly.

My #1 pageant girl, Swan. Smile baby, people are looking at you!

The idea is that little children are so beautiful and perfect that they are irresistible to evil spirits who want to steal them and like, eat them or whatever it is spirits do with babies. I don't know. Nobody was really able to explain that to me. So the mothers mark their faces to make them look dirty and crud and then the spirits will pass over them; presumably to devour some other cosmetic-free infant. Sucka.

*Yes. Like the pokemon. This kid just gets cooler and cooler.

Baking with the Handicapped: Chewy Cookie & Cream Bars

The second installation!

The key to baking when you have multiple fractures is to do something that looks impressive, tastes insane, but actually involves like two ingredients and five minutes of effort; so I modified this recipe from pickypalate.com to create just that.

CHEWY COOKIE & CREAM BARS

Ingredients
3 boxes of Oreos
1 bag of marshmallows

Method
Stick the oreos in a blender and whizz till theres no big pieces left. Next, in a large bowl microwave your marshmallows until puffy (1-1:30 mins). Quickly pour the cookie bits in and mix like crazy- the marshmallow dries fast; so don't screw around. Put the whole lot into a greased tray and let set for ten minutes and boom- culinary magic is born. Enjoy.

French Apple Pie

My boyfriend left today and I didn't have anyone to play with; so I painted the tips of nails like little red apples. I was going to write a tutorial for how to do these but it's pretty obvious* so I'm just going to recommend that you DO do these; because they're adorable and all the pre schoolers you hang out with** will be mad jelly.

One good thing about lying in bed motionless for two months is that I finally have long, perfectly oval, un-chipped nails. Screw silica tablets and Sally Hansen Diamond Hard; unemployment and bed rest is the secret to beauty.

*One thing: If you're late to the party on nail art pens; the brand I use is 'Deco' and you can get them from the warehouse; or if you're feeling thrifty you can just use an eyeliner brush in a regular nail polish pot.

**Getting run over by a car does not do great things for your social life.

pretty girls with angry cats

For today's blog post I have prepared a photo essay of models holding pissed off cats*. Enjoy.

*Twenty internets points if you spot the odd one out.

What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed.

 Happy Halloween!
Best day of the year. Well; it could be. New Zealanders haven't really got into the swing of Halloween yet- it's a little half hearted- but hope springs eternal and I feel like every year it gets a little better.
This year I carved pumpkins, decorated the house, dressed up in a catsuit and made these epic strawberry cinnamon cupcakes with little hand painted fondant horns. It was my first experiment with fondant and I feel good about it.
I also drew on my boyfriend's face because he didn't plan a costume himself. I let him choose between that and taking off his shirt, getting covered in glitter, and being Edward from Twilight. I think he's learnt his lesson and hopefully does better next year.

Get it? He's facebook. Face.... book. Haha.

DIY with Frances- Mini Fridge Blackboards! (+exciting giveaway)

Pic unrelated.

So earlier this week I found out blackboard paint was a thing. It's like a regular can of black paint; but everything you paint miraculously turns into  blackboard! Magical! Who knew about this? And why didn't you tell me?

I decided to create these cute little mini blackboards to stick on your fridge or mirror or whatever other magnet adhesive surface you have in your home/place of work.*

WHAT YOU NEED

1. Shapes cut out of heavy card- I used vintage frame silhouettes; but animals, countries and letters would all work well too.

2. Blackboard paint and paintbrush. Available from your friendly neighborhood Bunnings.

3. Craft razor

4. Magnetic tape

5. Newspaper (Not pictured above; but I assume you know what it looks like)

METHOD


Lay out your newspaper and your shapes (in that order, duh). Paint two thick coats of paint over the shapes; leaving 4 hours between coats; then leave to set for 48 hours. It's a good idea to move the shapes around on the newspaper  couple of times a day to make sure they don't stick.

Cut strips of magnetic tape to fit your shapes and stick them to the back. Press firmly and let set for half an hour. Then get your chalk out and go!

Yay!

GIVEAWAY

So I made a whole pile of these bad boys; but unfortunately I live with my parents and they have an uncluttered fridge policy. If you would like to have one for your very own; or know someone who would; just email me telling me how pretty I am and you could win one.
First three people win.**
--> francesratner@gmail.com

xx

*In my old flat I had this ridiculously crap fridge that magnets didn't stick to. WHAT THE HELL. In retrospect, that was the first sign that it was an accursed place where dreams go to die.
**NZ only. 

Alert the village elders!

I have replaced the 'donate' tab on my blog with a 'cats' tab. Now that I am no longer involved in humanitarian efforts I thought I should stop people from putting money into my bank account and instead regale them with high quality pictures of cats; of which I have many.

Fun with needles

So I thought I'd post some residual adventures from India that I didn't get around to doing when I was there  due to a combination of laziness and two broken arms.

Adventure 1: I got my nose pierced! In a dirty little shop in a dirty alleyway in the gold and precious gems bazaar of Jaipur. I did it because all the women in my class had their noses pierced and I thought they looked pretty; and also in a step towards my lifelong goal of looking more like Alice Dellal and Bambi Northwood-Blyth.

We're pretty much identical now, right?

After some intense haggling (I love a good haggle) the guy just bent over the counter and jammed the gold ring right through my nostril. I was so surprised I forgot to be in pain; so all in all it went well. Plus they tested my blood at the hospital and I didn't get any diseases, so that's awesome too.

Baking with the Handicapped: Double Layer Love Brownies!

I wanted to bake something nice to mail to my boyfriend in Christchurch because he bought me a six foot long stuffed tiger for my birthday and because I love him.* Unfortunately, my motor skills aren’t what they used to be and with two broken shoulders anything involving mixing, chopping, kneading, whisking, icing or any kind of finesse was out of the question.

So: Time to find creative ways to be lazy!

FRANCES’ MAD EASY DOUBLE LAYER LOVE BROWNIES

Ingredients

1 Packet Edmunds Double Fudge Brownies Mix

1 Packet Betty Crocker’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix

Method

Set your oven to 180. Grease a baking tray. Put the brownie mix together as instructed on the packet; if your poor little broken arms are too tired get your mom to do it for you. Ditto with cookie mix; in a second bowl. Pour the brownie mix into the baking tray; make sure it’s spread smooth and even. Spread the cookie batter on top. Bake for 15 minutes; or until golden brown and fragrant. Let cool for 10 mins and then remove from the tray and slice into squares. Bam. That’s how you keep a man, ladies.**

*I don’t love him BECAUSE he bought me a tiger. It definitely helped, though.

**Boobs help too.

Tell me all the things you want to do

I'm so sick of sitting in bed all day waiting for painkillers. I've never wanted to run away more than I do now when I can't walk.

So that's what's been sticking out of my shoulder all this time...

So this is my clavicle. See those bits floatin' around there? You think that's good for you? It's not.
I have four weeks to hold very still and eat as much protein as I can; and if junior there doesn't lodge back into place by then they're going to carve a piece out of my hip and stick it in there to sort things out.
I asked the doctor why he had to take bone from my hip to fix it and he started to explain about bonding and healing and stuff; but I was like "NO, why MY hip? Can't you get it from someone else? I think I've done enough." And he started laughing. I did too after a while because of the gas, and because I didn't want him to think I was a sociopath, but I totally wasn't joking. Any volunteers?

I love a gross medical story. Especially if it's mine.

First order of buisness when I got home was to get me some Western medical care. Yay!
Unfortunately, the X-rays revealed that the doctors in India had essentially turned me into a cyborg. Getting through airport security is going to be a bitch from now on.

This is what's left of my left shoulder (lol wordplay). We already tried sticking crap to it, it's not magnetic. Lame.

Are those two inch metal nails sticking out of my arm? Why yes. Yes they are.

I call them my Wolverine claws.

 Of course, I have many other exiting broken bones; these are just the ones they went all Mad Scientist on. Stay tuned for what used to be a clavicle; and the X ray that made my Dad faint.

Get it before it's hot

Are you listening to Lana Del Rey yet? She's like a modern day anorexic hipster Nancy Sinatra and I love her. She's not on iTunes yet; you can only hear her on her youtube channel, and I definitely suggest you stop what you're doing and do so.