Shit White Girls Say to Jews

Inspired by Shit White Girls Say, Shit Asian Girls say, and Shit White Girls Say to Brown Girls; here's my list of Shit White Girls Say to Jewish Girls.

I was the only Jewish* kid at my school growing up, and all of these are things people have actually said to me.

You’re Jewish? You don’t have a Jew nose.

What do you call a Jewish church?

Do you have to wear those little hats?

You’re really pretty, you don’t even look Jewish
Are you going to go live in one of those farm things in Israel?

Omg I shouldn’t have mentioned Hitler I’m SO SORRY

Do you like, HATE Germans?

Do you like, HATE Mel Gibson?

Do you like, LOVE Schindler’s list?
Doing this essay on WWII must be really emotional for you.

Is there a Jewish Jesus?

I’ve seen you eat bacon.

Why didn’t your people go to work on 9/11?*

It’s not racist. Jewish isn’t a race. Wait, is it???

BORAT IS SO FUNNY. Throw the Jew in the well. Hahaha.

Can I see your menorah?

*I'm an enthusiastic atheist, but I went to Hebrew school for the first 13 years of my life, two thirds of my family identify as religious(if very liberal) Jews and I identify as being Jewish culturally.

**A girl in my class said that to me on 10/11, in front of the whole class. She didn't get in trouble. I did, however, get in trouble for calling her a dumb bitch. I was an awesome 11 year old.

Kitten of the Week: Sterling Silver Edition

There's a lot of really cute kitten themed couture around at the moment, but my favorite by far is this sweet little post modern ring from Ruby Boutique. It makes me wish I was the kind of blogger who was, you know, successful and influential, so designers sent me things and then I could act like I was doing them a favor when I flashed them around in my douchey instagram photos.
It's only $139 but I've put myself on a spending freeze at the moment and I feel like if I cave on this one thing It'll be a domino effect and I'll suddenly wake up in a pile of torn tissue paper, scary receipts and regret. 

I AM THE DRAGONBORN

meow meow meow

So I don't know if you've heard about this, but there's this game called Skyrim and it's pretty awesome. My flatmate bought it and then got a job so she didn't have time to play it- luckily, I have no such problem and I've spent the last few weeks clearing dungeons like nobodies business.

I am Kitty Purry, Khajiit warrior mage, Thane of Whiterun, the Pale and Eastmarch, Archmage of Winterhold, Dovahkiin.

I've got dragon slaying down to a fine art (I blast them with my daedric wabbajack staff and lead them to a clearing, then poison my elven greatsword and clobber the shit soul out of them. I used Shadowmere to glitch my twohanded level up to 100, so I'm a machine) so now I pretty much just cruise around Skyrim questing and taking screenshots of myself beheading bandits and practicing my war cries.

YOU DARE CHALLENGE THE DRAGONBORN 

FOR REDWAAAAAAALL!

GOD AND KING RICHARD!

Helter Skelter

I don't know why everyone is so worried about the Mayan apocolypse.

Fun fact: this year, Charles Manson becomes eligible for parole.

Anyone else concerned?

New Years Dip-to-pus!

I AM A KRAKEN FROM THE DEEP

Several days before New Years my friends dad was borderline racist to a waitress and due to a bizarre domino effect I ended up having a New Years party. I was excited because it gave me an opportunity to make this Dip-to-pus. I also made some slightly fancier hordeurves, but I think we can all agree my cephalopod capsicum (in homemade hummus) was the life of the party.

Prawn, haloumi and capsicum skewers with a lime marinade. 

Chocoalte Cheesecakes with Choc Chip Cookie Crust. More alliteration there than Courtney Stodden. 

No matter what this guys face is telling you, they WERE delicious  

Like any good new years, I ended up drunk, in a jacuzzi, with a blonde. Sort of. 

My resolution for 2012 is not to end up in a hospital bed at any point. Wish me luck!

You wish you were this cool

Christmas is super fun- but much like how the Kardashian's nastily insist that the real Santa only comes to their party; I maintain that my family's christmas is way funner than anyone elses. Photographic evidence below.

This is our nativity/menorah diorama. Much like Seth from the OC, we celebrate Chrismukkah. We've been doing it for years but didn't start calling it that till after I saw that one episode of the OC; and we sort of don't actually call it that now; but I'm hoping it will catch on by 2012 at least.

This is our christmas potplant. When we first bought it about seven years ago it was about a foot high* and everyone laughed at it; but now who's laughing , huh? Us. It's us. We're laughing because we're so thrilled about our medium sized tree AND our environmental contribution to the world.

Every year I make a decorative gingerbread sculpture**. Last year was a three story Edwardian mansion with a haunted attic; this year it was Godzilla decimating a snowy cityscape. Unfortunately, he collapsed before the big day, but his memory will live on.

*American measuring units used to confuse me; but now I just rationalize it by thinking about subway sandwiches.***

**That's gingerbread SCULPTURE, not HOUSE. Don't belittle my art.

*** Eat fresh.

my rapidly evolving relationship with raw fish

For the longest time I hated sushi. I was all like, What the fuck Japan? You’re making your national dish, and you’re like ‘hmm I know let’s use RAW STINKING FISH and SEAWEED.’ Seaweed. The slimy, vermin ridden weed from the sea. Genius.

And it wasn’t just the taste, small and texture I hated. I have long been of the opinion that food should be cooked and bacteria dead; free from the pantheon of flukes, worms and parasites that  are just waiting to hatch in my lower intestine and curl their spiny tentacles around my organs.

Then I became a vegetarian- and the dreams started. I have this vivid recurring dream that I’m crouched on a rock with my hands in a river, Gollum-style; pulling up fish that I rip apart with my nails and teeth and devour in bloody chunks.

I know that doesn’t sound super appetising but I always woke up starving and I usually ended up running to the local fish and chip shop- but it just wasn’t cutting it. So now about once a week I eat a raw salmon steak; and my St Pierre's loyalty card has more stamps than my niece after gym class*

*Lots. Lots of stamps. Kids love stamps, is the joke there. They're like toddler currency.

Giftwrap Like a Boss

I take the Jack Donaghy approach to Christmas and view gift giving as a competion. Unfortunately I'm mega unemployed and can't actually compete on the gift front so I focus my efforts on competitive gift wrapping instead.

HOW TO GIFT WRAP AWESOME LIKE ME

1. Christmas giftwrap is a corporate lie. It's both ugly and expensive, so fight the mqn and buy packing paper from warehouse stationary, them pimp it out with stuff from the dollar store. And rather than buy colored paper to make tags, just go to Bunnings, pretend you're planning to paint a house and see how many paint swatches you can make off with.*

All these boxes are full of giant nerf guns. Best girlfriend or best girlfriend EVER?

2. When in doubt, add a shit ton of curling ribbon

I made fudge for my flatmates. With marshmallow filling!

*My record: 36. For my imaginary bunny rabbit hutch. It wasn't a total lie because I do one day intend to retire and breed German Giant Lops; and when that day comes I will be ready to paint their magnificent lapine palace Starsparkle with a trim of Midnight Cruise.

Kitty News of the Week

Today, in news that surprised no one, we found out our morbidly obese fur baby Coco Chanel may be pre diabetic.

We've put her on a low carb calorie restricted diet, but it doesn't seem to be helping since we're pretty sure she's getting fed somewhere else. Short of putting a collar on her saying 'Don't feed me, I'm a freaking hippo' we're not sure what to do- so, if anyone reading this happens to be feeding my enormous cat, STOP IT. She's clearly not a stray. And I don't want her to get the diabetes and have to inject her tubby kitty thighs with insulin twice a day.

It's like a terrible dream I can't wake up from

Last night, my friends and I all curled up with pizza and black russians to watch Allison Harvard, adorable mermaid-haired princess, be crowned Americas's Next Top Model All Star.

WE WERE ROBBED.

I'm still too upset/hungover to write coherently about the deep feelings of hurt and confusion that Tyra has inflicted upon me; so here's a photo dump of all the reasons I love Allison.

She has excellent camouflage skills. 

She's famous on /b/.  

She knows how to play Tyra's game.

Magnificent facial expressions. 

She makes her own fake blood. And then she mixes it with ice cream and eats it.

She loves wigs and kittens

SQUISHY FACED KITTY OMGWTFBBQ

She makes her own Halloween costumes. And then wears them to sexy club parties with a bunch of her model friends who are all dressed as your standard sexy nurses, cops, princesses, mice. AND SHE IS NOT EMBARRASSED.  

And of course, she has eyes that are bigger than some small island nations.

Obviously, we couldn't just sit back and let this gross injustice slide. So several drinks later we wrote to Allison on her tumblr:

It's a little small. If you can't read it, just assume it's awesome.

And she responded in the most wonderful way possible:

WE LOVE YOU ALLISON.

Kitten of the Week : LSD Edition

I am embarking upon an exciting Art Historical adventure today. Hopefully, I'll be able to post the fruits of my labor tomorrow. Until then it's all top secret.*

*Unless we're friends on facebook; then you probably saw the whole saga going to down. But, stfu.

Arts and Crafts with Frances: Cthulhu Cat House

YES

I just moved into a new flat; which I carefully selected for three main reasons:

1. It's super close to Uni
2. The inside is all wooden so I can pretend I'm in a Scandinavian ski lodge
3. Kitty!

The kitty's name is Greyskull*, and she gets anxious because she's tiny and gets beat up by all the other cats. So we decided to make her a kitty play house to cheer her up- and what better place for her to frisk and gambol then in a cubbyhole modeled after the Elder God himself?

You're super jealous, I know. But don't worry- you to can experience the magic and make your own!

STEP ONE

Get yo self some boxes. You can get a mean haul from either Pak 'n Save or Moore Wilsons. Make sure you get at least one big enough to be the body of your ocean dwelling leviathan. 

Boxes!

 STEP TWO

Cut those bitches up. Don't be shy, just get in there. It doesn't really matter of they're a bit crooked, kitty won't judge you. I traced around my hands to get the claws and the wings I did freehand. Glue it all in place and make sure it's fully dry before step three...

Something's missing...

Much better!

STEP THREE

Paint! Get tester pots from Bunnings; they're really cheap, tons of colour options and one coat will do you.

STEP 4

Habitation. 

Does not know if want? 

Loves it.

* as in "by the power of"

Exiting News About My Face

I have my reasons for never smiling in photos.*

I finally got my nose stud changed to a ring. This is exciting because now I don't look like a second rate Christina Aguilera circa 1998; but instead, as previously mentioned, more like Bambi Northwood Blythe, which is what I was going for. Now all I need to do is lose half my body weight and get some disney themed tattoos and we'll be doppelgangers. 

*The main reason** is because when I was 15 I found out braces cost like $4000 and my teeth just might go back to being crooked anyway. So I took the money and went to Europe instead; and decided to just assert that my crooked teeth were cute and hope people went along with it.***

** The secondary reason is that I believed if I just waited a few years dentistry would become more advanced and they could just fix it in a day. And I was right, just look at that miracle they performed on Miley 'Chipmunk' Cyrus!

*** And as long as I minimize the photographic evidence, they generally do. At least to my face, which is all I really care about.

DILEMMA

I want the new Florence & the Machine album; but I'm a little nervous about downloading it because of the new piracy laws.

Clearly I can't pay for it because that would just be silly and against my principles- the only artist whose music I will pay for is Kanye; for three main reasons-

1. He's bound to spend the money on something awesome and I am totally willing to facilitate his lifestyle.
2. When the forces of the universe inevitably draw us together, I want to have something to say to him that will assist him in falling madly in love with me ASAP, and this is the best I've thought of so far*
3. He's the best person in the world.

But, yeah, Florence. Dilemma. I guess I can get it out from the library, or just borrow a copy and burn it? So analogue :(

*Plan B: 'Hey Yeezy, do you like fish sticks?'

Kitten of the Week: Magical Fairy Cat Edition

Have you heard about these winged cats in China? They started showing up en masse about twenty five years ago. They can't really fly, and a lot of them die young, but they'e still pretty awesome and I definitely want a flock of them to be my pets/familiars.

nomnomnom