Check out my badass pirate scar

If you squint and cock your head, it kind of looks like The Joker's mouth.

This is my left arm. If you look closely you'll see theres a small scar there. Right of the collarbone, above the elbow. See it? Yeah, the one that looks like something inflicted by Leatherface. I got it on my trip to India when they replaced my shoulder with a hunk of metal that drives airport security crazy and thus has probably put an end to my prospective career as a drug mule. Or a shoulder model (wetsuit modeling could still be in the cards).

The little red dots running across it are there because rather than use stitches like sane people, they literally stapled the wound shut with a freaking staplegun. They even removed them with one of those clicky staple remover things- no anesthetic though. Classic India.

A lot of the time I forget it's there, and then I take my jacket off and get the weirdest looks- silver lining though, it has stopped guys looking down my shirt.

Anyway, my long term plan is to let it fade a little so it looks less 'surgical'; and then think up a really epic story to explain it to people- possibly involving heroic sword fighting or being mauled by a one-clawed cougar while saving a baby from a burning zoo. If anyone has any good suggestions, I'm listening.

Coconut Cupcakes with Classic Icecream Swirls

It's my last English class at uni tomorrow and because our teacher thinks we're twelve, we're having a shared lunch. I used this as an opportunity work on my cupcake skillz.
I followed this recipe with just a couple of substitutions-

• Instead of buttermilk, I used a cup of milk with a teaspoon of lemon juice, and then I let it sit for ten minutes before adding it. Do not use buttermilk. Buttermilk is a lie. It's expensive, it disrupts the alkali balance and stops your cakes rising, and it makes for a bad mixture consistency.
• I used half shredded coconut and half dessicated coconut to give a better texture.
• Vanilla paste instead of vanilla essence. Always.
• If you don't have a stand mixer, get one. If you do have a stand mixer, buy a new one and give me your old one. I don't have one and it's hardddd :(
• I made buttercream icing with coconut essence instead of their icing- that icing is no good for using with piping nozzles, it just goes soft and melts away. And I like the taste of butter cream better, it's a classic.
• Here's a guide for doing classic ice cream swirls in the style I use.

 These turned it really delicious- soft and fluffy and sweet. I'm expecting to be bumped up at least one letter grade for this.

I officially own the Best Shoes in the World

After being held hostage for weeks by corrupt Indian bureaucrats*, my Jeffrey Campbell Nightwalks have finally arrived. I am beyond excited about these shoes. They like a cross between a satyrs feet and something Daphne Guinness would wear to her own wedding; and I fully intend to wear them every day for the rest of my life. Or, maybe just weekends. They're probably a little intense for my daily pilgrimages to the dairy for diet coke and sour gummy worms.

These shoes are so insane that the website I bought them from actually felt the need to link to a YouTube video proving it was possible to walk from them. And I can confirm, it's totally possible- they look like you should just topple over, but whoever made these must have had some mad physics skillz under their hat because they're surprisingly sturdy.

 

*Due to an internet error, my package got sent to my old house in India, where of course, it was immediately unpacked, all the jewellery was stolen, and the people running the place demanded an exorbitant fee for the service of sending them back to me. Classic India.

You Remind Me of the Babe...

All of the cool people will be at the Botanical Gardens tomorrow night for an outdoor screening of the great 80’s classic, Labyrinth. It’s one of my all time favorites and not only that, but a cornerstone to my Maze Film Theory.

I am sure you are all absolutely CLAMOURING to know what my Maze Film Theory is. Well, don’t worry. I’m going to tell you.

Maze Theory is the idea that any film with a maze in it is automatically a good film (excluding those crap educational films about Theseus and the Minotaur we used to have to watch in Classics). I have literally never not enjoyed a movie that had a maze in it. Think about it.

•        The Shining. Greatest horror movie ever. Maze? Check.
•        Pans Labyrinth. The movie that made everyone love Guillermo Del Toro. Brimming with mazes.
•        Hellraiser II. Unquestionably the best of the Hellraiser series. Two thirds of the film: SET IN A MAZE.
•        Barbarella. Super awesome. There is a maze scene. More mazes would undoubtedly have made it even better.
•        And, of course, Labyrinth. MAZE.

So I’m going to be in the botans tomorrow night watching David Bowie’s junk bounce around the screen and trying to think of more excellent maze films. And then the night after that, I’m going to attempt to hijack my flatmate’s games night and turn it into a séance. Stay tuned to hear about how THAT wacky adventure turns out.

Cohabitation Station

We hope to do slightly better than these guys.

My boyfriend and I are moving in together and I'm really excited about it, for a number of reasons. Besides the obvious average I-love-him-and-want-to-be-with-him-all-the-time, I have brainstormed the top four of the awesome things I will be able to do once Karlos and I are roomies.

I am walking away from this with some mammoth cheese and YOUR SOUL.

4. He can watch me play Skyrim and congratulate me whenever I do something awesome, like kill a dragon and  giant at the same time, or knock someone of a mountain with my thu'um. Currently, the only person I have to talk to is my flatmates cat, and she just seems pissed off when I wake her up, rather than excited about how valiant and wonderful I am.

We will be the toast of the town. Perhaps even cooler than this kid.

3. Dinner parties! One of our favorite things to do is cook together, and the only thing that could possibly make that more fun is if we had other people to validate how awesome our food is. So we're totally planning to make like Lily and Marshall in How I Met Your Mother and get some couple friends, then embark on an exciting round of dinner parties with them in which we will wow them with our refined palate. These parties will also give me an opportunity to buy and eat a lot of fancy cheeses, something I am deeply passionate about.

This is what I imagine we'll be doing, like, 90% of the time.

2. He can zip up my dresses, straighten my hair and buckle my shoes. Ever since my accident, I've had trouble doing that kind of things, with the result that a lot of the time when I go out I end up just wearing a poncho and some flip flops. Which is ok, because I look damn good in a poncho, but I would occasionally like to put on clothing with zips and look like a sane, rational human being rather than a mexican nightmare.

We will even make the flavor of the food in that one scene in Hook. Whatever that flavor is. Probably pure happiness.

1. And finally, the best thing of all- INSANE CREATIVE ICE CREAM MAKING. When Karl and I decided to move in together a while ago, we went to the warehouse to pick out a few practical things to put aside for when we had our apartment. You know- things that would help us cohabitant together effectively in a mature, adult way. Obviously, we left the store with a novelty ice cream maker. On that day, we swore that when we lived together we would make a different flavor of ice cream every week. Margarita ice cream. Bacon and maple syrup ice cream. Butter popcorn flavoured ice cream. The excitement is never ending.

Shit White Girls Say to Jews

Inspired by Shit White Girls Say, Shit Asian Girls say, and Shit White Girls Say to Brown Girls; here's my list of Shit White Girls Say to Jewish Girls.

I was the only Jewish* kid at my school growing up, and all of these are things people have actually said to me.

You’re Jewish? You don’t have a Jew nose.

What do you call a Jewish church?

Do you have to wear those little hats?

You’re really pretty, you don’t even look Jewish
Are you going to go live in one of those farm things in Israel?

Omg I shouldn’t have mentioned Hitler I’m SO SORRY

Do you like, HATE Germans?

Do you like, HATE Mel Gibson?

Do you like, LOVE Schindler’s list?
Doing this essay on WWII must be really emotional for you.

Is there a Jewish Jesus?

I’ve seen you eat bacon.

Why didn’t your people go to work on 9/11?*

It’s not racist. Jewish isn’t a race. Wait, is it???

BORAT IS SO FUNNY. Throw the Jew in the well. Hahaha.

Can I see your menorah?

*I'm an enthusiastic atheist, but I went to Hebrew school for the first 13 years of my life, two thirds of my family identify as religious(if very liberal) Jews and I identify as being Jewish culturally.

**A girl in my class said that to me on 10/11, in front of the whole class. She didn't get in trouble. I did, however, get in trouble for calling her a dumb bitch. I was an awesome 11 year old.

Kitten of the Week: Sterling Silver Edition

There's a lot of really cute kitten themed couture around at the moment, but my favorite by far is this sweet little post modern ring from Ruby Boutique. It makes me wish I was the kind of blogger who was, you know, successful and influential, so designers sent me things and then I could act like I was doing them a favor when I flashed them around in my douchey instagram photos.
It's only $139 but I've put myself on a spending freeze at the moment and I feel like if I cave on this one thing It'll be a domino effect and I'll suddenly wake up in a pile of torn tissue paper, scary receipts and regret. 

I AM THE DRAGONBORN

meow meow meow

So I don't know if you've heard about this, but there's this game called Skyrim and it's pretty awesome. My flatmate bought it and then got a job so she didn't have time to play it- luckily, I have no such problem and I've spent the last few weeks clearing dungeons like nobodies business.

I am Kitty Purry, Khajiit warrior mage, Thane of Whiterun, the Pale and Eastmarch, Archmage of Winterhold, Dovahkiin.

I've got dragon slaying down to a fine art (I blast them with my daedric wabbajack staff and lead them to a clearing, then poison my elven greatsword and clobber the shit soul out of them. I used Shadowmere to glitch my twohanded level up to 100, so I'm a machine) so now I pretty much just cruise around Skyrim questing and taking screenshots of myself beheading bandits and practicing my war cries.

YOU DARE CHALLENGE THE DRAGONBORN 

FOR REDWAAAAAAALL!

GOD AND KING RICHARD!

Helter Skelter

I don't know why everyone is so worried about the Mayan apocolypse.

Fun fact: this year, Charles Manson becomes eligible for parole.

Anyone else concerned?

New Years Dip-to-pus!

I AM A KRAKEN FROM THE DEEP

Several days before New Years my friends dad was borderline racist to a waitress and due to a bizarre domino effect I ended up having a New Years party. I was excited because it gave me an opportunity to make this Dip-to-pus. I also made some slightly fancier hordeurves, but I think we can all agree my cephalopod capsicum (in homemade hummus) was the life of the party.

Prawn, haloumi and capsicum skewers with a lime marinade. 

Chocoalte Cheesecakes with Choc Chip Cookie Crust. More alliteration there than Courtney Stodden. 

No matter what this guys face is telling you, they WERE delicious  

Like any good new years, I ended up drunk, in a jacuzzi, with a blonde. Sort of. 

My resolution for 2012 is not to end up in a hospital bed at any point. Wish me luck!

You wish you were this cool

Christmas is super fun- but much like how the Kardashian's nastily insist that the real Santa only comes to their party; I maintain that my family's christmas is way funner than anyone elses. Photographic evidence below.

This is our nativity/menorah diorama. Much like Seth from the OC, we celebrate Chrismukkah. We've been doing it for years but didn't start calling it that till after I saw that one episode of the OC; and we sort of don't actually call it that now; but I'm hoping it will catch on by 2012 at least.

This is our christmas potplant. When we first bought it about seven years ago it was about a foot high* and everyone laughed at it; but now who's laughing , huh? Us. It's us. We're laughing because we're so thrilled about our medium sized tree AND our environmental contribution to the world.

Every year I make a decorative gingerbread sculpture**. Last year was a three story Edwardian mansion with a haunted attic; this year it was Godzilla decimating a snowy cityscape. Unfortunately, he collapsed before the big day, but his memory will live on.

*American measuring units used to confuse me; but now I just rationalize it by thinking about subway sandwiches.***

**That's gingerbread SCULPTURE, not HOUSE. Don't belittle my art.

*** Eat fresh.

my rapidly evolving relationship with raw fish

For the longest time I hated sushi. I was all like, What the fuck Japan? You’re making your national dish, and you’re like ‘hmm I know let’s use RAW STINKING FISH and SEAWEED.’ Seaweed. The slimy, vermin ridden weed from the sea. Genius.

And it wasn’t just the taste, small and texture I hated. I have long been of the opinion that food should be cooked and bacteria dead; free from the pantheon of flukes, worms and parasites that  are just waiting to hatch in my lower intestine and curl their spiny tentacles around my organs.

Then I became a vegetarian- and the dreams started. I have this vivid recurring dream that I’m crouched on a rock with my hands in a river, Gollum-style; pulling up fish that I rip apart with my nails and teeth and devour in bloody chunks.

I know that doesn’t sound super appetising but I always woke up starving and I usually ended up running to the local fish and chip shop- but it just wasn’t cutting it. So now about once a week I eat a raw salmon steak; and my St Pierre's loyalty card has more stamps than my niece after gym class*

*Lots. Lots of stamps. Kids love stamps, is the joke there. They're like toddler currency.

Giftwrap Like a Boss

I take the Jack Donaghy approach to Christmas and view gift giving as a competion. Unfortunately I'm mega unemployed and can't actually compete on the gift front so I focus my efforts on competitive gift wrapping instead.

HOW TO GIFT WRAP AWESOME LIKE ME

1. Christmas giftwrap is a corporate lie. It's both ugly and expensive, so fight the mqn and buy packing paper from warehouse stationary, them pimp it out with stuff from the dollar store. And rather than buy colored paper to make tags, just go to Bunnings, pretend you're planning to paint a house and see how many paint swatches you can make off with.*

All these boxes are full of giant nerf guns. Best girlfriend or best girlfriend EVER?

2. When in doubt, add a shit ton of curling ribbon

I made fudge for my flatmates. With marshmallow filling!

*My record: 36. For my imaginary bunny rabbit hutch. It wasn't a total lie because I do one day intend to retire and breed German Giant Lops; and when that day comes I will be ready to paint their magnificent lapine palace Starsparkle with a trim of Midnight Cruise.

Kitty News of the Week

Today, in news that surprised no one, we found out our morbidly obese fur baby Coco Chanel may be pre diabetic.

We've put her on a low carb calorie restricted diet, but it doesn't seem to be helping since we're pretty sure she's getting fed somewhere else. Short of putting a collar on her saying 'Don't feed me, I'm a freaking hippo' we're not sure what to do- so, if anyone reading this happens to be feeding my enormous cat, STOP IT. She's clearly not a stray. And I don't want her to get the diabetes and have to inject her tubby kitty thighs with insulin twice a day.

It's like a terrible dream I can't wake up from

Last night, my friends and I all curled up with pizza and black russians to watch Allison Harvard, adorable mermaid-haired princess, be crowned Americas's Next Top Model All Star.

WE WERE ROBBED.

I'm still too upset/hungover to write coherently about the deep feelings of hurt and confusion that Tyra has inflicted upon me; so here's a photo dump of all the reasons I love Allison.

She has excellent camouflage skills. 

She's famous on /b/.  

She knows how to play Tyra's game.

Magnificent facial expressions. 

She makes her own fake blood. And then she mixes it with ice cream and eats it.

She loves wigs and kittens

SQUISHY FACED KITTY OMGWTFBBQ

She makes her own Halloween costumes. And then wears them to sexy club parties with a bunch of her model friends who are all dressed as your standard sexy nurses, cops, princesses, mice. AND SHE IS NOT EMBARRASSED.  

And of course, she has eyes that are bigger than some small island nations.

Obviously, we couldn't just sit back and let this gross injustice slide. So several drinks later we wrote to Allison on her tumblr:

It's a little small. If you can't read it, just assume it's awesome.

And she responded in the most wonderful way possible:

WE LOVE YOU ALLISON.