Bollywood, here I come!

Upon my arrival in Mumbai, I discovered that simply by virtue of being white and speaking fluent English I am a hot commodity in Bollywood. Not that I wasn't already aware of how awesome I am, but it's nice to be appreciated.

I was quickly scouted to do the dubbing for the latest blockbuster, Ra One, a romantic comedy about soccer and robots and cell phone hacking staring two of India's biggest stars, Shahrukh Khan and Kareena Kapoor.

SRK- the handsomest, most totally not gay man in all of India.

My role was 'all of the white women'. I soon learnt that this covered not only white women but also non-Indian asians, black women and robots. I also learnt the reason that dubbed movies are so terrible- they don't give you a script. You would think that the logical thing to do would be for the screen writer to write down what they want the minor characters to say, have in translated to English, and then given to the voice actors. But no. For example, in a scene where I played a glamorous Japanese woman telling SRK how nice his painting was, I just had to look at how her lips were moving, think about the kinds of things people might say in this situation, and go for it.

This is where the magic happens.

Luckily, I have two thirds of an art history degree so I was able to think of some intelligent and insightful comments. I continued on in this vein for about the first three takes until it suddenly occurred to me the guys in charge couldn't understand what I was saying, and then I started saying stuff like "Holy crap, it's like you pissed genius all over the canvas, man!" I really hope they use that take.

In the zone.

And apparently they recycle good white people voices throughout multiple movies. So, next time you're watching a Bollywood film and there's an airport scene, and you hear a New Zealand accent making flight announcements? Totally me. Probably.