you gotta be kitten me.

In news that will surprise no one, I tired of my India themed blog name, so I'm relaunching under an exciting new name:

YOU GOTTA BE KITTEN ME

It's equal parts punny, googleable and relevant to my content. I love it. Header changes are upcoming, but here's some awesome graphics Karl helped me put together. Due to a bizarre set of circumstances we ended up doing the whole project of Microsoft Paint, so I'm very proud of us.

The web address, francesabroad.blogspot.co.nz, will not be changing- just the blog title itself. I figured it's still relevant since my name is Frances and I may conceivably go abroad once more someday. 

I'm using them as cupcake box labels at the market this Saturday, but I'll also be choosing one of them as an interim header until I get around to commissioning a new piece of art. Excitement!

I saved the adorable-est for last.

My Top Three Amazing Junk Store Finds (this weekend)

Being both poor and possessed of a bohemian spirit, junk stores are a goldmine for me. Sometimes I just come home with chipped tea cups and vintage suitcases, but other times I find things far more awesome. This weekend was one of those times

1. VINTAGE PLAYBOY MAGAZINE

This is not just any old porn unit. This is the Playboy Edition that has the first interview with Roman Polanski after the Manson killings- it's pretty dark. Also, it has a whole bunch of hilarious old timey cigarette advertisements.

SMOKING. YES.

Gambling... manly.

I don't really get this. Are they protesters? Are they queuing for something? Mystery.

Also, porn. It's a lot more arty than it is now but the subject matter is fairly consistent.

I have two thirds of an art history degree and I approve of this spread (haha. 'spread' ).

2. JUMANJI BOARD GAME

Jumanji: Are YOU game?

I KNOW. OH MY GOD. SO AWESOME. SO SO AWESOME.

If I stop blogging anytime soon it'll probably be because I'm off in a parallel dimension on a madcap adventure with a young, heavily bearded Robin Williams.

3. THE BEST CHAIR, EVER

Ok so this didn't exactly come from a thrift store. I was walking down Cuba street and it was sitting outside a restaurant, so I was like 'SEVEN SECOND RULE!' and I grabbed it and ran away. I don't know if it was actually being given away but I didn't run very fast so I'm sure someone would have stopped me if I was stealing, right? 

Anyone, it's both the fanciest chair I've ever owned and the only chair in my new apartment right now so I'm pretty stoked with it. Yay chair!

xoxo

More Cupcakes & Rosemary McLeod is Awful

This is better than a picture of McLeod's face.

Rosemary McLeod is AWFUL. AWFUL. And not awful in that, 'oh she's always stirring up debate and controversy by telling it like it is' way- she is just a straight up nasty bigot.

Her column in the newspaper disgusted me so much I was genuinely confused about how it had gotten printed for about five minutes until I remembered it was the Dom Post I was reading.

Here's the article. If you haven't read it, it's essentially a page long stream of vitriol about transgender people who have the audacity to think they can raise families and openly present their gender. She calls trans a Californian 'trend'; refuses to refer to the subjects of the article by their preferred pronouns, and bemoans the fate of children with trans parents. 

Rosemary McLeod is a cruel, ignorant woman and I hope she gets fired. But, she probably won't because controversy sells papers, even if it's bordering on hate speech. Still, if you want to tell the Dom Post to do the right thing for once, write to them at letters@dompost.co.nz. 

If you write a really good one, email a copy to me at francesratner@gmail.com and I'll send you  voucher for a free cupcake at my Mighty Mighty Market stand :)

Annnnnd we're back to cupcakes...

wheeeee! fudgy!

I baked these gorgeous fudge cupcakes tonight because I'm still very stressed and I needed to bake. They're delicious- mass amounts of butter, eggs and cocoa, plus I stirred in bonus ganache from last night endeavor. You know who won't be getting any? ROSEMARY MCLEOD. I HATE YOU.

Super Classy Fresh Lemon Cookies & Boston Cream Pie Cupcakes

I have a lot going on in the next few days. My brother and my boyfriend's brother are getting married on adjacent days, Karl is moving up from Christchurch (that godforsaken shaky crime-hole) for good, I need to learn how to wrap a sari and a slew of relatives (including my really cool grandmother from New York!) are arriving. On top of that, I had a neurologist appointment today where I hilariously failed several balance tests and was officially declared almost probably quite brain damaged. Snaps for me.


It's all pretty stressful so I spent all afternoon baking in an effort to try and realign my chakras; and here's what I produced. Full recipes after the jump or those of you who are interested.

SUPER CLASSY LEMON COOKIES

The reason I refer to these as 'classy' is because unlike most of the things I produce; they aren't dipped in chocolate, stuffed with candy and frosted in three shades of buttercream. I made these by adjusting a German recipe; they use 1 part ground almond to 1 part flour so they're very crumbly and not too sweet. Plus, if you eat them straight out of the oven the lemons are really juicy. Fun bonus fact: These awesome huge lemons came from my grandparents tree, who have lots of spare because they really only use them for gin. My family is badass.

BOSTON CREAM PIE CUPCAKES

These may not be the most ornate cupcakes I've posted on this blog, but they're definitely one of the most delicious. They're a moist, yellow cake filled with vanilla custard then topped with chocolate ganache. The tricky bit is getting the custard to just he right consistency so it'll hold firm and not drip out the sides- no cheating by putting them in the fridge. The fridge is your enemy when it comes to baked goods. It will suck the delicious moistness out of your cakes like some kind of horrible frosty vampire machine. Never put cake in the fridge. Never.

So, it was a successful baking evening. All of the new recipes I tried turned out well. Yay me. Maybe I'm not so brain damaged after all.

xoxo (recipes after the jump)

CALLED IT

This week, Khloe finally admitted in an interview that she had no idea who her real dad is. HAH.
Clearly, my post was the straw that broke the wookie's back. This does kind of take a lot of the fun out the the whole scenario, though. Curse you for being so much more sensible and honest than your sisters.

In other news, JWOWW has compiled a list of American Presidents she'd like to go bananas on. I like it when celebrities make good use of their spare time.

xoxo

Arts and Crafts with Frances: Valentines Edition!

I know a lot of people think Valentine's is just a commercial trick to make you spend money; but I don't really have a problem with that. Capitalism is what made this country great and to me, it's just an excuse to get out the pink glitter.

For Karlos' gift this year, I went to Arty Bees and got a pile of books I knew he'd like, and then made dust covers for them out of this cool wrapping paper I found, then made a matching bookmark and used that as a card. This is a really cute, easy to make gift- it gets slightly harder if your partner has a longer name, but you can always just cop out and make the letters spell 'LOVE' or 'THUG LYFE' or something easy like that.

Kitten of the Week: Pingin' Club Cat

Mighty Mighty Market

Karl and I just moved into a kickass new apartment, and we've pledged to fill it with only nice furniture, not stuff from the Salvation army that has weird stains and saggy bits.

Unfortunately, nice furniture costs money, so at present we're just sitting on the floor eating out of mugs.
So we have done what any self respecting broke couple would do, AND STARTED A CUPCAKE BUSINESS.

Idea may or may not have been inspired by a terrible sitcom.

Well, not really. But we do have a stand at the next Mighty Mighty Market, where I will be selling cupcakes and cookies and Karl will be selling prints of his awesome art. He draws stuff like robots sitting in swamps and creepy space landscapes and asian fusion warriors. It's all very cool and edgy. You'd like it.

I'm going to do three kinds of cupcakes, as well as my famous Oreo Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies. So far the planned menu is Coconut Mocha, Ultimate Vanilla and Chocolate Fudge Blossom. I'll sell them separately and in cute little takeaway boxes of four.

So, come buy my cupcakes! I am so super excited, you do not even know. And it's for a good cause- lying on the floor hurts my back. Disabled people should not have to live like this. Also, I'm open to suggestions for other flavors- post your best ideas in the comment section!

Any leftover cash, I'm building one of these.

Kardashian Khaos Theory

I am aware that some of my readers have 'careers' and 'responsibilities' and 'social lives', so you may not have been monitoring the Kardashians as closely as you should have been.

Well, no fear. I am all over that shit like white on rice.

It has not been a good few months for the Kardashians. And with good reason- they are horrible, horrible people who do horrible, horrible things to unsuspecting major league sports players.

Sad Kris is sad.

Except for Khloe. Khloe is the best Kardashian. She is funny, appears to have a soul, and doesn’t look like an Armenian kewpie doll. She’s also currently the victim of a media frenzy over who her real father is- a frenzy that seems to be incredibly upsetting to her, but which according to my Kardashian Khaos Theory, is a decade long plot orchestrated my her evil momager Kris.

Ok, before we get started, if you're finding this a little hard to follow you should check out my previous Kardashian Krash Kourse HERE. 

HERE ARE THE FACTS.

1. Kim's divorce has been a huge source of negative publicity for the family

2. Kris does not deal well with criticism. In the past, she has harassed threatened legal action to hundreds of bloggers who have insulted her meal tickets children

3. There's too many voices for her to silence through lawyering on this one. 

4. The best thing would be for her to make like Scooby Doo and cause a distraction so people stop thinking about how awful Kim is and focus on something else...

BUT WHAT?

One of these things is not like the other...

Ok, Khloe is clearly not a Kardashian. She's two feet taller than the other girls, she has lighter hair and more olive skin, totally different facial features, she's fatter and she's not an asshole. And clearly her family know that and have always known that. This is confirmed by the fact that immediately after people started bringing up Khloe's paternity this year, BOTH of her step moms came forward and were like, yeah, Robert was pretty open about it, we all know that.

Surprised face!

We also know that the Kardashian sisters (Or the KKK, as they call themselves. No, really) are locked in a pretty intense contract with E! network. When Khloe dyed her hair blonde, E! made her dye it back before filming started to preserve the uniform appearance of the girls- to keep the sister act going. So, it makes sense that when the show started, the family decided not to discuss Khloe's paternity. It would ruin their whole thing.

THE PLOT THICKENS

So Kris has had this one in the bag for a while, and has decided to release it to deflect attention from Kim. Kris orchestrated this whole thing. Here's how:

1. Early in the show, she ran a 'maternity' test on Khloe; foreshadowing the whole adoption storyline

1. She released her book early to coincide with Kim's divorce... a book that discusses how she was having an affair the year before Khloe was born.

2. She had the kids post incriminating tweets to rile things up just as people were forgetting

The face of evil.

So, yes. Kris has been planning to profit from Khloe's drama probably since the moment of conception. I bet you anything we'll see a heartfelt confession on TV any day now.

Kris is probably out there somewhere sitting on a pile of money and drumming her fingers together like Mr Burns. Stop it, Kris! LEAVE KHLOE ALONE.

Curl up and dye

It is a year today since I last went to the hairdresser; and not just because I'm going for the Disney princess/Mormon sister wife look. I hate getting my hair cut. I hate it so much. Hairdressers are evil people who just want to cut as much of your hair off as they can get away with. If they had their way, everyone would be walking around with pixie cuts and frosted tips. Sick bastards.

I had my first awful haircut when I was seven years old and my Mom made me get a bob because I had nits and long curly hair and she was sick of spending several hours a night grooming me.

I was slightly more high maintenance than an afghan hound.

Since then, every time I have gone to hairdresser I have come home crying. I guess it's possible that I am slightly over dramatizing the situation but I think it's much more likely that there is a league of scissor wielding super villains out to get me. One of these days though, I am going to master my fear and get an insane awesome cut and dye job and not just have long brown hair for once in my life. See below for several options.

a) I could bleach the crud out of it like the better Olsen twin. If you're going to go blonde, you might as well go holy-shit-intense blonde.

Pictured: the better Olsen twin.

b) I could shave half off like Alice Dellal. She is a stone cold fox. The downside is it would be a bitch to grow out.

I already have the nose ring!

c. Pretty pastels. I love the pastel hair trend. I know that this could go so horribly wrong, especially with my super dark hair, but it's just SO PRETTY. She looks like a My Little Pony!

Look at this adorable hipster.

Anyway, moral of the story: I think it's going to be another year before I get my hair cut. Split ends ahoy!

I have officially gone super saiyan with cupcake frosting

Ka...ma...ha...ma...ha!

I've finally mastered the elusive cupcake rose. It took me three batches of frosting and several sprained wrists; but I have achieved buttercream mastery.
The only things that's still bugging me is that the petals are jagged- but I can't fix that without a stand mixer to make the icing smoother. Sigh.

Kitten of the Week: Moscow Cat Theatre

I absolutely want to run away and join this circus

Ultimate Vanilla Cupcakes

I've been trying to perfect my cupcake icing skills recently and this is my latest attempt- they're Vanilla Bean Cupcakes with Chocolate Ganache filling and Buttercream Icing. I was trying to go for the rose effect on the top- I got the consistency just right; but the cupcakes were too curved so they didn't turn out quite perfect.

I used this recipe for the cupcakes; and when they were cool I cut cones from the centre and poured ganache in (1 part cream to two parts dark chocolate; heated on low till smooth) then cut the flesh off the cone and put the lid back on. Then I made buttercream icing with butter, powdered sugar, vanilla bean paste and cream and put it in the freezer for ten minutes till it was firm for piping.

I got these awesome wrappers; I thought they were very Wednesday Adams. 

Super delicious ganache filling.

I am a super good hair stylist.

She was definitely the most well coiffed child at the birthday party.