Meet Dave

This is not Dave.

I'm taking summer papers to help make up for the fact that I spent a solid part of last year screwing around in India; and one of them is three hours long. Three. Hours. Long.

To kill the boredom in class today I wrote a brief interview style piece on Dave, the guy sitting next to me, based on a short conversation we had at the beginning of the class.*

DAVE

Dave is a third year Sociology and Media Studies student at Victoria. He settled on sociology after a brief flirtation with psychology in his first year; which ended abruptly after he came to the realization that it would involve math; and has not looked back since. He’s not quite sure where this degree is going to lead him; but he has been considering applying for a teaching position in Japan, a country he has become interested in during his studies, because “they’ve got some crazy stuff going on there, man.”

When he’s not studying, Dave works at the new Wendy’s franchise on Courtenay Place, a job he believes has gone way downhill since the installation of multiple security cameras in the store which prevent him from sampling the ice cream between customers. His boss is a “total Nazi” and I get the strong impression that Dave will not miss his workplace if he does move to Japan. 

Dave’s other interests include extreme sports such as long boarding, skiing and surfing- and while he finds these activities exhilarating and energizing; they do occasionally land him in some trouble. Just last week he was pulled over by a policeman while long boarding through a red light in Newtown; and subsequently charged $150. He believes this was unfair for three main reasons; first of all, there were no other cars on the road. Secondly, stoplights fail to register the presence of long boarders so he would have had to wait ages for it to change. And thirdly, and perhaps most significantly, the policeman had a “stupid handlebar mustache” and was “clearly just bored.”

Stay tuned for more Dave related news.

*Hopefully he never finds this blog. Would be more than a little creepy for him.

Apple Cinnamon Trompe L'oeil Cupcakes

It was my niece's Wheel-a-thon* this weekend and my sister was invited/ordered to bring something to the bake sale. Clearly this was an opportunity to stick it to all the SUV driving housewives; so I took over and cupcake madness ensued. Presnting: Frances' Apple Cinnamon Trompe L'oeil Cupcakes.

HOW TO

1. I used this recipe to make a cinnamon cupcake mix. They're really good; firm but fluffy; and they don't rise too much so they're easy to ice.

2. Fill the cupcake cases halfway with the mixture. Then form the cases into the right shape using balls fashioned out of scrunched up tinfoil.

3. Bake; and once completely cool spread with red icing

4. Decorate with spearmint leaves and pretzel sticks. You can only buy pretzel sticks in massive bags which is awesome because they are delicious and now you have lots of them; so; yay!

*A Wheel-a-thon is an event where adults sponsor toddlers to ride tricycles, scooters and bikes furiously in a circle for as long as they can until a pile up occurs. It is exactly as hilarious as it sounds.

Why Kim Kardashian is Famous (with bullet points)

'Famewhore? Who, me?'

With Kim’s fairytale wedding/divorce being big in the media right now; I thought it was the perfect time to put on paper something I have so often explained when medium to high drunk: Why Kim Kardashian is Famous.

If you ask most people, they will say something along the lines of “Didn’t she have a sex tape? Pssh, that’s all it takes to get famous these days. What a ho.”

This is when I yell, "SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I know EVERYTHING about the Kardashians and you are going to SIT STILL WHILE I TELL IT TO YOU."

There is so, so much more to Kim than that one time she got filmed getting a golden shower from a black dude. And I am going to tell you what it is.

• IN THE BEGINNING there was Robert Kardashian; the lawyer that famously got OJ off* despite the fact that he was clearly super duper guilty. He married Kris; and they than had four kids- Robert, Khloe, Kourtney and our girl, Kimberly Noel Kardashian; Kim for short.

Khloe was already cultivating her Chewbacca look.

• Robert and Kris divorced; and then she married washed up Olympian Bruce Jenner. Bruce was a gold medalist in triathlon and was pretty major news back in the day- on cereal boxes and stuff.  They settle down to a life of being rich and getting facelifts and have two more kids, Kendall and Kylie. 

You will be seeing a lot of these tweens in the future. I guarantee it.

• Meanwhile Kim; who by now has hit puberty and is super hot; moves to New York where she uses her fathers and her stepfathers money and connections to start a small business where she goes to runway shows and ateliers; chooses the items she believes will be most popular in the upcoming season; buys them all; and sells them to New York socialites at an inflated price.

She's not just hot; she's also pretty damn classy.

• One of her clients is Paris Hilton; who at this time is at the height of her fame. As Kim is rich, super hot, and can get her cool clothes; she quickly becomes a part of Paris’ entourage and is photographed with her at a number of A list parties and events.

Paris would later go on to compare Kim's ass to 'a trash bag full of cottage cheese.' What an awesome bitch.

• Kim than begins dating vaguely successful rapper, Ray J. They film themselves having sex in Ray J’s apartment- largely doggy style; but with a short intermission in which he pees on her. They soon break up.

"Oh gosh Ray, I hope this tape is never released, putting in place the final element in the perfect storm which propels ME to stardom and YOU to hosting a low budget dating show on VH1."

As for what happened next; there are two versions.

• Kim’s versions: The camera was stolen and the sex tape was released. Kim is devastated, humiliated and swears unholy vengeance upon the unknown villain responsible for the leak**

• The truth: Kim released the tape and profits from it to this day. We know this because the tape was leaked to Vivid Entertainment; an adult entertainment company that operates within the scope of the law- they do not show any material for which they do not have signed consent from all parties. So, Kim and Ray J must both have met with vivid executives; negotiated compensation; and signed off on the tape.

Kim's Playboy shoot, unsurprisingly, went more than slightly better than Lindsay's.

• Within a fortnight E! announces a new reality show starring Kim and her family- Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The first season focuses on her shoot with Playboy, her embarrassment over the release of the tape and her families store, Dash. The offers for promotions and modeling work come flooding in; and boom. A star is born.

Muhahahaha

Stay tuned for the sequel; in which we discuss the Other Kardashians and Why You Should Kare About Them.

This is their Christmas card picture. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

*Getting black dudes off would later prove to be a family trait. Lolz.

** Haha. LEAK***

***It's funny cos he peed on her.

MMP vs FPP

Vote MMP. Because it's better to have the tail wagging the dog then a tailless dog writhing around in a pool of its own blood.

p.s. Hit the jump to see the runner up puppies I considered for this post...

Haul Post

The photos is of people clamoring to hear about my shopping trip. Clamoring, I say.

In the tradition of youtube haul videos; I am going to write a summary of everything I bought today and why. Hold onto your seats, kids, It's gonna be a wild ride...

1. Vitamin E Eye Cream

Today I bought some anti wrinkle cream for my eyes. I bought it from the Body Shop because that's where I buy everything and also because I have mad girl crush on Dame Anita Roddick.

Now that I've turned 21 and nearly died in a horrific car crash; I feel mortality creeping up on me. Where once I would wildly jump off high things screaming 'I AM A GOLDEN GOD!'; I now cautiously step out of the bathtub onto a pre arranged slip free surface.

I haven't found any wrinkles yet but the best kind of action is preventative action* so I'm onto it.

2. Karen Walker Marti Dress

I bought this to wear to my boyfriends brothers wedding because it's going to be a bit churchy and my mom firmly but politely suggested I leave my boobs out of the equation.

I don't usually shop there because the store smells way too strongly of musky perfume and because whenever  see someone wearing one of those robot necklaces I know straight up I'm not going to like them. It's usually paired with a messy bun on the top of the head, black tights and a kathmandu puffer jacket and it screams 'douchey white Auckland girl'; but I'm glad I conquered my prejudices long enough to find this dress, because it's cute.

3. Chalk

You probably thought it wasn't going to get more exciting after the dress; BUT IT DID. CHALK. WOOO.

I have a good reason though; It wasn't just for hopscotch**. I bought a cruddy old desk for $10 from the Salvation Army and painted it with blackboard paint. Then I drew dinosaurs all over it with chalk. Then I erased the chalk and drew fish all over it. Then I erased that and started to draw hamburgers; but I got a bit bored and left. You get the idea though, right? ITS A DESK YOU CAN DRAW ON.

MADNESS.

4. Jeans

I bought some jeans. The only picture I could find of the specific pair I bought was this one of my second favorite chick from Glee**** doing some kind of Michael Jackson dance move. So, me and whatsherface have the same jeans now. Sick.

I have really specific ideas about caring for jeans, largely gained from reading Lauren Conrad's blog, and  people tend to find them kind of weird but I don't care because Lauren's blog also told me to be myself, so screw you.

a) Never wash your jeans. Washing your jeans is like if your jeans are Julius Caesar and every spin cycle is another senator stabbing him until finally he screams 'Et tu, Brutus!' and dies miserable and alone.

b) If you want to wash your jeans; just stick them in a freezer for a few hours instead

c) Sleep in them the first night you buy them to stretch them into the right shape. You will not sleep well and you will have strange dreams about being strangled by an anaconda from the crotch down; but it will be worth it.

Frances x

*Not true. The best kind of action is either explosions of explosive head shots.

** Haha. Like I could play hopscotch. The other day I forgot I was disabled and I jumped to reach a high shelf. I landed in a crumpled heap on the floor and swore so loud my cat wouldn't come out from behind the toilet*** for an hour. Sorry, Mehitabel.

*** Yeah. She follows me into the bathroom. It's not weird at all.

**** I haven't watched Glee for ages because the writing is crappy, there's too much fan service and Lea Michelle disgusts me. Did you know the lead writer is the same guy that made Popular? Bring that back instead, dude. 

Kitten of the Week: Celebrity Edition

Jane Fonda

Christina Ricci 

Bowie 

Morgan Freeman 

Freddie Mercury

Steve Martin

Love how fat Steve and Wednesdays are. Reminds me of my furbaby.

DIY with Frances: Beer Bottle Vase

You have no idea what I went through to make those tulips stand staight. Fucking flaccid dutch bastards.

Not like we need more proof that binge drinking is awesome; but here it is anyway- something fun and artsy to do with your empties.

Design stores have know for a long time that spray painting a normal object white is an easy way to make it classy and expensive in T minus five- just look at all that crap they sell at Iko Iko.

So I bought this four pack and made my boyfriend drink it( I'm one of those annoying girls that won't drink beer*); then went to town.

WHAT YOU NEED:

Two things. Boom. Make sure you bring your ID when you buy the spray paint.

METHOD:

1. Soak your bottles in hot water and scrub the labels off. If they're not coming off, a little tea tree oil in the water will help.

2. Put some newspaper down outside and do two coats; leaving twenty minutes between. Make sure you get in all the nooks and crannies around the lip of the bottle.

3. Let dry overnight, jam in your flowers and you're good to go!

*My drink of choice is one part vodka to one part lemon juice; on the rocks, because that's what Chelsea Handler drinks, and she dates 50 Cent, so, yeah. QED. Also, soft drink mixers are just calories you're not getting back.

I miss this kid.

I was going through my photos from India and I ran across these ones of my favorite baby; Chimchar*. I've posted about her before but what I was meaning to discuss about her (besides the fact that she rides a motorcycle and has her own goat; awesome!) is her eyeliner.

In the part of Rajasthan I was in all the babies, male and female, wear smudgy black eyeliner and black marks on their faces every day from the time they are born pretty much until they are about 10 years old. The moms don't do it to them to make them look pretty, like on those creepy child pageant shows, but to make them look ugly.

My #1 pageant girl, Swan. Smile baby, people are looking at you!

The idea is that little children are so beautiful and perfect that they are irresistible to evil spirits who want to steal them and like, eat them or whatever it is spirits do with babies. I don't know. Nobody was really able to explain that to me. So the mothers mark their faces to make them look dirty and crud and then the spirits will pass over them; presumably to devour some other cosmetic-free infant. Sucka.

*Yes. Like the pokemon. This kid just gets cooler and cooler.

Baking with the Handicapped: Chewy Cookie & Cream Bars

The second installation!

The key to baking when you have multiple fractures is to do something that looks impressive, tastes insane, but actually involves like two ingredients and five minutes of effort; so I modified this recipe from pickypalate.com to create just that.

CHEWY COOKIE & CREAM BARS

Ingredients
3 boxes of Oreos
1 bag of marshmallows

Method
Stick the oreos in a blender and whizz till theres no big pieces left. Next, in a large bowl microwave your marshmallows until puffy (1-1:30 mins). Quickly pour the cookie bits in and mix like crazy- the marshmallow dries fast; so don't screw around. Put the whole lot into a greased tray and let set for ten minutes and boom- culinary magic is born. Enjoy.

French Apple Pie

My boyfriend left today and I didn't have anyone to play with; so I painted the tips of nails like little red apples. I was going to write a tutorial for how to do these but it's pretty obvious* so I'm just going to recommend that you DO do these; because they're adorable and all the pre schoolers you hang out with** will be mad jelly.

One good thing about lying in bed motionless for two months is that I finally have long, perfectly oval, un-chipped nails. Screw silica tablets and Sally Hansen Diamond Hard; unemployment and bed rest is the secret to beauty.

*One thing: If you're late to the party on nail art pens; the brand I use is 'Deco' and you can get them from the warehouse; or if you're feeling thrifty you can just use an eyeliner brush in a regular nail polish pot.

**Getting run over by a car does not do great things for your social life.

pretty girls with angry cats

For today's blog post I have prepared a photo essay of models holding pissed off cats*. Enjoy.

*Twenty internets points if you spot the odd one out.