Meet Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

This is our new foster kitten. Her name is Kitty Kitty Bang Bang because thats a completely awesome name. She has a bad case of the pink eye, so we have to hold her down three times a day and give her eye drops while she screams like she's being murdered.

The pink eye sounds gross, but it's actually completely adorable. She pretty much runs around with one eye shut, banging into things like a drunk pirate, unless we catch her and clean the gunk out of it.

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang's interests include purring like crazy, drinking water from the shower and clawing your face while you sleep; and she will be available for adoption one week from now.

Look at those adorable wonky eyes.

Van Gogh Nails

These are my favorite nails yet, and they were actually pretty easy. The only tricky bit is doing the blending in the sky. My other hand, however, looks less like a Starry Night and more like someone vomited a blueberry smoothie onto my nails. I need to cultivate some ambidextrousness.*

*My spell check didn't pick that up, which makes it an actual word, I guess? 

Kitten Torture Session of the Week

Why feed your kittens when you can make them fight for their food, hunger games style?

All the above kittens have been adopted, but their mom is still hanging out in the SPCA. It's hard for adult cats, especially when they're black. No, actually. People are really racist about adopting cats, no one wants the black ones.

What Frances Did Today: I Became a (self) Certified Online Cat Psychic

As my regular readers will know, I am perpetually bored. I don't go to University, I don't have a a job, I don't do my own laundry. I pretty much sit around waiting for my bones to knit together and googling stuff like 'why are my toes so weird?', 'what's it like having six fingers?' and 'how can i tell if my cat has ADHD?'.

In one of my recent attempts to amuse myself, I created a fiverr account under the nom de plume 'Naomi De Plume (I am so super witty, I know) and offered to perform psychic readings on stranger's cats over the internet.

There's a lot of things to explain in that sentence. Let's work our way through it.

1. Fiverr is a website where people offer to perform a service online for $5. Stuff like proof reading documents, designing a logo, doing other peoples homework. It's a pretty cool site.

2. I didn't want to use my real name because I don't want future employers to google me and find out what kind of person I actually am.

3. I am totally cat psychic. I have all the same qualifications that human psychics have: I own a lot of crystals, I'm liberal with the eyeliner and I can whip out new age phrases like 'astral plane', 'spiritual harmony', 'quantum presence', 'holistic truths' like nobodies business.

Here's my service description on fiverr:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have known what cats are saying. Usually, it's 'I want food'. But beyond that, in every cat, there is a plethora of complex emotions, neuroses and desires yearning to be heard.
That's where I come in: Send me a photo and a brief description of your cat's lifestyle, and I will provide a psychic reading using my plane transcendal astral cat guide, Peanut, as a medium. Also, I'll use crystals. Tons of crystals.
In order to gain a spiritual connection with your cat, I will require a photograph of the cat, with their eyes clearly visible.
A brief description of their lifestyle will also be useful for me to interpret their spiritual feline energy.
Also send any specific questions you have.
Namaste.

And now, a small demonstration of my skills.

This cat feels unfulfilled in its current life role, and wishes to explore new hobbies. I suggest a laser pointer.

This cat does not want to wear a sweater. Also, she is concerned with your growing dependence on online shopping. 

This cat is worried about the environment. 

This is going to be super fun. Here's the link if you or anyone you know need some feline energy translated.

The truly depressing thing about this whole situation is not that I'm doing this, but that I'm not the only cat psychic on this website.

Nail Art: Facebook Manicure

Me, exhibiting my hand-model skills.

I've gotten a little it obsessed with those nail art tutorials you find on youtube, and after three attempts at doing galaxy nails last night, I gave up and did these instead. They're a little shaky because I was too lazy to use tape on my french tips and just freehanded it, but they still turned out cool.

These are the nails I was aiming for. I tried a bunch of different sponging techniques to get them to blend nicely, but it wasn't working. I couldn't manage the little white stars, either. Anyone got any tips?

Adopt Yoko: She's Cool With Being Forced To Wear a Tiny Sweater For your Amusement

"You will be the first to die when I grow thumbs."

We have one more week before we return Yoko, Prudence, Lucy and Sadie to the SPCA to be de-ovaried and re-homed. And then we get a fresh batch of kittens- yay!
But not before a short break, where I will appreciate such things as:
-Not waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of three kittens breastfeeding loudly, inches away from your face
- Not having to disinfect the shower before every use just in case someone peed in it
- A short period of time where the multiple scratches, scrapes abrasions and scars covering every inch of my body can start to heal
- Using the toilet without someone jumping on my lap to hang out
- Being able to eat yoghurt or sushi without being mauled

I know the kittens will be adopted instantly, but I really hope Yoko finds a home too. She's such a cool cat- super friendly and talkative, and she actually comes when she's called, which is a rarity in cats, who generally prefer to just come when they feel like it or when they think there might be a california roll to steal.

xx

I am SO ready for you, Zombie Apocalypse

I have seen all of the zombie movies. All of them. And not just because post apocalyptic fiction is my favorite genre, but because I'm preparing.
FOR THIS.
This weekend, a naked guy in Miami was shot by police when he refused to sop eating a homeless guy's face. They're saying it was cocaine madness (that would make an excellent band name. dibbs.), but they are clearly wrong. It's totes the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. And I'm ready.
Assuming these are Romero type zombies (slow, virus spreads by bites with a long incubation period) rather than 28 Days Later rage virus (zombies fast, virus takes effect instantly); we pretty much have to stay safe from the zombies for about 50 days; which is how long it takes a human body to decompose to the point where they'd no longer be a threat.*
My plan is boats. If the Walking Dead taught us anything (aside from the fact that an amazing premise and budget does not necessarily make for an amazing show) it's that people are as big a threat during the zombie apocalypse than the titular zombies.
So, my plan is to load up enough food, water and reading materials for sixty days, gather a crew, and go steal a boat. I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean, how hard can t be?**
As for weapons: we're going with garden machetes and cricket bats. Although the plan is to avoid battle, theres always a chance we might need to go on shore for supplies or something. I know people always say they would want a katana or a shotgun, but katanas actually suck for severing heads (thank you, google) and, come on. This isn't America. Nobody has a shotgun you can steal.

*If anyone ever investigated my google search history, I would come off as a complete psychopath.
** There is an opening in my survival team (which I have just named Team Cocaine Madness) for someone who actually knows how to sail a boat.