You wish you were this cool

Christmas is super fun- but much like how the Kardashian's nastily insist that the real Santa only comes to their party; I maintain that my family's christmas is way funner than anyone elses. Photographic evidence below.

This is our nativity/menorah diorama. Much like Seth from the OC, we celebrate Chrismukkah. We've been doing it for years but didn't start calling it that till after I saw that one episode of the OC; and we sort of don't actually call it that now; but I'm hoping it will catch on by 2012 at least.

This is our christmas potplant. When we first bought it about seven years ago it was about a foot high* and everyone laughed at it; but now who's laughing , huh? Us. It's us. We're laughing because we're so thrilled about our medium sized tree AND our environmental contribution to the world.

Every year I make a decorative gingerbread sculpture**. Last year was a three story Edwardian mansion with a haunted attic; this year it was Godzilla decimating a snowy cityscape. Unfortunately, he collapsed before the big day, but his memory will live on.

*American measuring units used to confuse me; but now I just rationalize it by thinking about subway sandwiches.***

**That's gingerbread SCULPTURE, not HOUSE. Don't belittle my art.

*** Eat fresh.

my rapidly evolving relationship with raw fish

For the longest time I hated sushi. I was all like, What the fuck Japan? You’re making your national dish, and you’re like ‘hmm I know let’s use RAW STINKING FISH and SEAWEED.’ Seaweed. The slimy, vermin ridden weed from the sea. Genius.

And it wasn’t just the taste, small and texture I hated. I have long been of the opinion that food should be cooked and bacteria dead; free from the pantheon of flukes, worms and parasites that  are just waiting to hatch in my lower intestine and curl their spiny tentacles around my organs.

Then I became a vegetarian- and the dreams started. I have this vivid recurring dream that I’m crouched on a rock with my hands in a river, Gollum-style; pulling up fish that I rip apart with my nails and teeth and devour in bloody chunks.

I know that doesn’t sound super appetising but I always woke up starving and I usually ended up running to the local fish and chip shop- but it just wasn’t cutting it. So now about once a week I eat a raw salmon steak; and my St Pierre's loyalty card has more stamps than my niece after gym class*

*Lots. Lots of stamps. Kids love stamps, is the joke there. They're like toddler currency.

Giftwrap Like a Boss

I take the Jack Donaghy approach to Christmas and view gift giving as a competion. Unfortunately I'm mega unemployed and can't actually compete on the gift front so I focus my efforts on competitive gift wrapping instead.

HOW TO GIFT WRAP AWESOME LIKE ME

1. Christmas giftwrap is a corporate lie. It's both ugly and expensive, so fight the mqn and buy packing paper from warehouse stationary, them pimp it out with stuff from the dollar store. And rather than buy colored paper to make tags, just go to Bunnings, pretend you're planning to paint a house and see how many paint swatches you can make off with.*

All these boxes are full of giant nerf guns. Best girlfriend or best girlfriend EVER?

2. When in doubt, add a shit ton of curling ribbon

I made fudge for my flatmates. With marshmallow filling!

*My record: 36. For my imaginary bunny rabbit hutch. It wasn't a total lie because I do one day intend to retire and breed German Giant Lops; and when that day comes I will be ready to paint their magnificent lapine palace Starsparkle with a trim of Midnight Cruise.

Kitty News of the Week

Today, in news that surprised no one, we found out our morbidly obese fur baby Coco Chanel may be pre diabetic.

We've put her on a low carb calorie restricted diet, but it doesn't seem to be helping since we're pretty sure she's getting fed somewhere else. Short of putting a collar on her saying 'Don't feed me, I'm a freaking hippo' we're not sure what to do- so, if anyone reading this happens to be feeding my enormous cat, STOP IT. She's clearly not a stray. And I don't want her to get the diabetes and have to inject her tubby kitty thighs with insulin twice a day.

It's like a terrible dream I can't wake up from

Last night, my friends and I all curled up with pizza and black russians to watch Allison Harvard, adorable mermaid-haired princess, be crowned Americas's Next Top Model All Star.

WE WERE ROBBED.

I'm still too upset/hungover to write coherently about the deep feelings of hurt and confusion that Tyra has inflicted upon me; so here's a photo dump of all the reasons I love Allison.

She has excellent camouflage skills. 

She's famous on /b/.  

She knows how to play Tyra's game.

Magnificent facial expressions. 

She makes her own fake blood. And then she mixes it with ice cream and eats it.

She loves wigs and kittens

SQUISHY FACED KITTY OMGWTFBBQ

She makes her own Halloween costumes. And then wears them to sexy club parties with a bunch of her model friends who are all dressed as your standard sexy nurses, cops, princesses, mice. AND SHE IS NOT EMBARRASSED.  

And of course, she has eyes that are bigger than some small island nations.

Obviously, we couldn't just sit back and let this gross injustice slide. So several drinks later we wrote to Allison on her tumblr:

It's a little small. If you can't read it, just assume it's awesome.

And she responded in the most wonderful way possible:

WE LOVE YOU ALLISON.

Kitten of the Week : LSD Edition

I am embarking upon an exciting Art Historical adventure today. Hopefully, I'll be able to post the fruits of my labor tomorrow. Until then it's all top secret.*

*Unless we're friends on facebook; then you probably saw the whole saga going to down. But, stfu.

Arts and Crafts with Frances: Cthulhu Cat House

YES

I just moved into a new flat; which I carefully selected for three main reasons:

1. It's super close to Uni
2. The inside is all wooden so I can pretend I'm in a Scandinavian ski lodge
3. Kitty!

The kitty's name is Greyskull*, and she gets anxious because she's tiny and gets beat up by all the other cats. So we decided to make her a kitty play house to cheer her up- and what better place for her to frisk and gambol then in a cubbyhole modeled after the Elder God himself?

You're super jealous, I know. But don't worry- you to can experience the magic and make your own!

STEP ONE

Get yo self some boxes. You can get a mean haul from either Pak 'n Save or Moore Wilsons. Make sure you get at least one big enough to be the body of your ocean dwelling leviathan. 

Boxes!

 STEP TWO

Cut those bitches up. Don't be shy, just get in there. It doesn't really matter of they're a bit crooked, kitty won't judge you. I traced around my hands to get the claws and the wings I did freehand. Glue it all in place and make sure it's fully dry before step three...

Something's missing...

Much better!

STEP THREE

Paint! Get tester pots from Bunnings; they're really cheap, tons of colour options and one coat will do you.

STEP 4

Habitation. 

Does not know if want? 

Loves it.

* as in "by the power of"

Exiting News About My Face

I have my reasons for never smiling in photos.*

I finally got my nose stud changed to a ring. This is exciting because now I don't look like a second rate Christina Aguilera circa 1998; but instead, as previously mentioned, more like Bambi Northwood Blythe, which is what I was going for. Now all I need to do is lose half my body weight and get some disney themed tattoos and we'll be doppelgangers. 

*The main reason** is because when I was 15 I found out braces cost like $4000 and my teeth just might go back to being crooked anyway. So I took the money and went to Europe instead; and decided to just assert that my crooked teeth were cute and hope people went along with it.***

** The secondary reason is that I believed if I just waited a few years dentistry would become more advanced and they could just fix it in a day. And I was right, just look at that miracle they performed on Miley 'Chipmunk' Cyrus!

*** And as long as I minimize the photographic evidence, they generally do. At least to my face, which is all I really care about.

DILEMMA

I want the new Florence & the Machine album; but I'm a little nervous about downloading it because of the new piracy laws.

Clearly I can't pay for it because that would just be silly and against my principles- the only artist whose music I will pay for is Kanye; for three main reasons-

1. He's bound to spend the money on something awesome and I am totally willing to facilitate his lifestyle.
2. When the forces of the universe inevitably draw us together, I want to have something to say to him that will assist him in falling madly in love with me ASAP, and this is the best I've thought of so far*
3. He's the best person in the world.

But, yeah, Florence. Dilemma. I guess I can get it out from the library, or just borrow a copy and burn it? So analogue :(

*Plan B: 'Hey Yeezy, do you like fish sticks?'

Kitten of the Week: Magical Fairy Cat Edition

Have you heard about these winged cats in China? They started showing up en masse about twenty five years ago. They can't really fly, and a lot of them die young, but they'e still pretty awesome and I definitely want a flock of them to be my pets/familiars.

nomnomnom

Meet Dave

This is not Dave.

I'm taking summer papers to help make up for the fact that I spent a solid part of last year screwing around in India; and one of them is three hours long. Three. Hours. Long.

To kill the boredom in class today I wrote a brief interview style piece on Dave, the guy sitting next to me, based on a short conversation we had at the beginning of the class.*

DAVE

Dave is a third year Sociology and Media Studies student at Victoria. He settled on sociology after a brief flirtation with psychology in his first year; which ended abruptly after he came to the realization that it would involve math; and has not looked back since. He’s not quite sure where this degree is going to lead him; but he has been considering applying for a teaching position in Japan, a country he has become interested in during his studies, because “they’ve got some crazy stuff going on there, man.”

When he’s not studying, Dave works at the new Wendy’s franchise on Courtenay Place, a job he believes has gone way downhill since the installation of multiple security cameras in the store which prevent him from sampling the ice cream between customers. His boss is a “total Nazi” and I get the strong impression that Dave will not miss his workplace if he does move to Japan. 

Dave’s other interests include extreme sports such as long boarding, skiing and surfing- and while he finds these activities exhilarating and energizing; they do occasionally land him in some trouble. Just last week he was pulled over by a policeman while long boarding through a red light in Newtown; and subsequently charged $150. He believes this was unfair for three main reasons; first of all, there were no other cars on the road. Secondly, stoplights fail to register the presence of long boarders so he would have had to wait ages for it to change. And thirdly, and perhaps most significantly, the policeman had a “stupid handlebar mustache” and was “clearly just bored.”

Stay tuned for more Dave related news.

*Hopefully he never finds this blog. Would be more than a little creepy for him.

Apple Cinnamon Trompe L'oeil Cupcakes

It was my niece's Wheel-a-thon* this weekend and my sister was invited/ordered to bring something to the bake sale. Clearly this was an opportunity to stick it to all the SUV driving housewives; so I took over and cupcake madness ensued. Presnting: Frances' Apple Cinnamon Trompe L'oeil Cupcakes.

HOW TO

1. I used this recipe to make a cinnamon cupcake mix. They're really good; firm but fluffy; and they don't rise too much so they're easy to ice.

2. Fill the cupcake cases halfway with the mixture. Then form the cases into the right shape using balls fashioned out of scrunched up tinfoil.

3. Bake; and once completely cool spread with red icing

4. Decorate with spearmint leaves and pretzel sticks. You can only buy pretzel sticks in massive bags which is awesome because they are delicious and now you have lots of them; so; yay!

*A Wheel-a-thon is an event where adults sponsor toddlers to ride tricycles, scooters and bikes furiously in a circle for as long as they can until a pile up occurs. It is exactly as hilarious as it sounds.

Why Kim Kardashian is Famous (with bullet points)

'Famewhore? Who, me?'

With Kim’s fairytale wedding/divorce being big in the media right now; I thought it was the perfect time to put on paper something I have so often explained when medium to high drunk: Why Kim Kardashian is Famous.

If you ask most people, they will say something along the lines of “Didn’t she have a sex tape? Pssh, that’s all it takes to get famous these days. What a ho.”

This is when I yell, "SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I know EVERYTHING about the Kardashians and you are going to SIT STILL WHILE I TELL IT TO YOU."

There is so, so much more to Kim than that one time she got filmed getting a golden shower from a black dude. And I am going to tell you what it is.

• IN THE BEGINNING there was Robert Kardashian; the lawyer that famously got OJ off* despite the fact that he was clearly super duper guilty. He married Kris; and they than had four kids- Robert, Khloe, Kourtney and our girl, Kimberly Noel Kardashian; Kim for short.

Khloe was already cultivating her Chewbacca look.

• Robert and Kris divorced; and then she married washed up Olympian Bruce Jenner. Bruce was a gold medalist in triathlon and was pretty major news back in the day- on cereal boxes and stuff.  They settle down to a life of being rich and getting facelifts and have two more kids, Kendall and Kylie. 

You will be seeing a lot of these tweens in the future. I guarantee it.

• Meanwhile Kim; who by now has hit puberty and is super hot; moves to New York where she uses her fathers and her stepfathers money and connections to start a small business where she goes to runway shows and ateliers; chooses the items she believes will be most popular in the upcoming season; buys them all; and sells them to New York socialites at an inflated price.

She's not just hot; she's also pretty damn classy.

• One of her clients is Paris Hilton; who at this time is at the height of her fame. As Kim is rich, super hot, and can get her cool clothes; she quickly becomes a part of Paris’ entourage and is photographed with her at a number of A list parties and events.

Paris would later go on to compare Kim's ass to 'a trash bag full of cottage cheese.' What an awesome bitch.

• Kim than begins dating vaguely successful rapper, Ray J. They film themselves having sex in Ray J’s apartment- largely doggy style; but with a short intermission in which he pees on her. They soon break up.

"Oh gosh Ray, I hope this tape is never released, putting in place the final element in the perfect storm which propels ME to stardom and YOU to hosting a low budget dating show on VH1."

As for what happened next; there are two versions.

• Kim’s versions: The camera was stolen and the sex tape was released. Kim is devastated, humiliated and swears unholy vengeance upon the unknown villain responsible for the leak**

• The truth: Kim released the tape and profits from it to this day. We know this because the tape was leaked to Vivid Entertainment; an adult entertainment company that operates within the scope of the law- they do not show any material for which they do not have signed consent from all parties. So, Kim and Ray J must both have met with vivid executives; negotiated compensation; and signed off on the tape.

Kim's Playboy shoot, unsurprisingly, went more than slightly better than Lindsay's.

• Within a fortnight E! announces a new reality show starring Kim and her family- Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The first season focuses on her shoot with Playboy, her embarrassment over the release of the tape and her families store, Dash. The offers for promotions and modeling work come flooding in; and boom. A star is born.

Muhahahaha

Stay tuned for the sequel; in which we discuss the Other Kardashians and Why You Should Kare About Them.

This is their Christmas card picture. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

*Getting black dudes off would later prove to be a family trait. Lolz.

** Haha. LEAK***

***It's funny cos he peed on her.

MMP vs FPP

Vote MMP. Because it's better to have the tail wagging the dog then a tailless dog writhing around in a pool of its own blood.

p.s. Hit the jump to see the runner up puppies I considered for this post...

Haul Post

The photos is of people clamoring to hear about my shopping trip. Clamoring, I say.

In the tradition of youtube haul videos; I am going to write a summary of everything I bought today and why. Hold onto your seats, kids, It's gonna be a wild ride...

1. Vitamin E Eye Cream

Today I bought some anti wrinkle cream for my eyes. I bought it from the Body Shop because that's where I buy everything and also because I have mad girl crush on Dame Anita Roddick.

Now that I've turned 21 and nearly died in a horrific car crash; I feel mortality creeping up on me. Where once I would wildly jump off high things screaming 'I AM A GOLDEN GOD!'; I now cautiously step out of the bathtub onto a pre arranged slip free surface.

I haven't found any wrinkles yet but the best kind of action is preventative action* so I'm onto it.

2. Karen Walker Marti Dress

I bought this to wear to my boyfriends brothers wedding because it's going to be a bit churchy and my mom firmly but politely suggested I leave my boobs out of the equation.

I don't usually shop there because the store smells way too strongly of musky perfume and because whenever  see someone wearing one of those robot necklaces I know straight up I'm not going to like them. It's usually paired with a messy bun on the top of the head, black tights and a kathmandu puffer jacket and it screams 'douchey white Auckland girl'; but I'm glad I conquered my prejudices long enough to find this dress, because it's cute.

3. Chalk

You probably thought it wasn't going to get more exciting after the dress; BUT IT DID. CHALK. WOOO.

I have a good reason though; It wasn't just for hopscotch**. I bought a cruddy old desk for $10 from the Salvation Army and painted it with blackboard paint. Then I drew dinosaurs all over it with chalk. Then I erased the chalk and drew fish all over it. Then I erased that and started to draw hamburgers; but I got a bit bored and left. You get the idea though, right? ITS A DESK YOU CAN DRAW ON.

MADNESS.

4. Jeans

I bought some jeans. The only picture I could find of the specific pair I bought was this one of my second favorite chick from Glee**** doing some kind of Michael Jackson dance move. So, me and whatsherface have the same jeans now. Sick.

I have really specific ideas about caring for jeans, largely gained from reading Lauren Conrad's blog, and  people tend to find them kind of weird but I don't care because Lauren's blog also told me to be myself, so screw you.

a) Never wash your jeans. Washing your jeans is like if your jeans are Julius Caesar and every spin cycle is another senator stabbing him until finally he screams 'Et tu, Brutus!' and dies miserable and alone.

b) If you want to wash your jeans; just stick them in a freezer for a few hours instead

c) Sleep in them the first night you buy them to stretch them into the right shape. You will not sleep well and you will have strange dreams about being strangled by an anaconda from the crotch down; but it will be worth it.

Frances x

*Not true. The best kind of action is either explosions of explosive head shots.

** Haha. Like I could play hopscotch. The other day I forgot I was disabled and I jumped to reach a high shelf. I landed in a crumpled heap on the floor and swore so loud my cat wouldn't come out from behind the toilet*** for an hour. Sorry, Mehitabel.

*** Yeah. She follows me into the bathroom. It's not weird at all.

**** I haven't watched Glee for ages because the writing is crappy, there's too much fan service and Lea Michelle disgusts me. Did you know the lead writer is the same guy that made Popular? Bring that back instead, dude.