What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist? He was repossessed.

 Happy Halloween!
Best day of the year. Well; it could be. New Zealanders haven't really got into the swing of Halloween yet- it's a little half hearted- but hope springs eternal and I feel like every year it gets a little better.
This year I carved pumpkins, decorated the house, dressed up in a catsuit and made these epic strawberry cinnamon cupcakes with little hand painted fondant horns. It was my first experiment with fondant and I feel good about it.
I also drew on my boyfriend's face because he didn't plan a costume himself. I let him choose between that and taking off his shirt, getting covered in glitter, and being Edward from Twilight. I think he's learnt his lesson and hopefully does better next year.

Get it? He's facebook. Face.... book. Haha.

DIY with Frances- Mini Fridge Blackboards! (+exciting giveaway)

Pic unrelated.

So earlier this week I found out blackboard paint was a thing. It's like a regular can of black paint; but everything you paint miraculously turns into  blackboard! Magical! Who knew about this? And why didn't you tell me?

I decided to create these cute little mini blackboards to stick on your fridge or mirror or whatever other magnet adhesive surface you have in your home/place of work.*

WHAT YOU NEED

1. Shapes cut out of heavy card- I used vintage frame silhouettes; but animals, countries and letters would all work well too.

2. Blackboard paint and paintbrush. Available from your friendly neighborhood Bunnings.

3. Craft razor

4. Magnetic tape

5. Newspaper (Not pictured above; but I assume you know what it looks like)

METHOD


Lay out your newspaper and your shapes (in that order, duh). Paint two thick coats of paint over the shapes; leaving 4 hours between coats; then leave to set for 48 hours. It's a good idea to move the shapes around on the newspaper  couple of times a day to make sure they don't stick.

Cut strips of magnetic tape to fit your shapes and stick them to the back. Press firmly and let set for half an hour. Then get your chalk out and go!

Yay!

GIVEAWAY

So I made a whole pile of these bad boys; but unfortunately I live with my parents and they have an uncluttered fridge policy. If you would like to have one for your very own; or know someone who would; just email me telling me how pretty I am and you could win one.
First three people win.**
--> francesratner@gmail.com

xx

*In my old flat I had this ridiculously crap fridge that magnets didn't stick to. WHAT THE HELL. In retrospect, that was the first sign that it was an accursed place where dreams go to die.
**NZ only. 

Alert the village elders!

I have replaced the 'donate' tab on my blog with a 'cats' tab. Now that I am no longer involved in humanitarian efforts I thought I should stop people from putting money into my bank account and instead regale them with high quality pictures of cats; of which I have many.

Fun with needles

So I thought I'd post some residual adventures from India that I didn't get around to doing when I was there  due to a combination of laziness and two broken arms.

Adventure 1: I got my nose pierced! In a dirty little shop in a dirty alleyway in the gold and precious gems bazaar of Jaipur. I did it because all the women in my class had their noses pierced and I thought they looked pretty; and also in a step towards my lifelong goal of looking more like Alice Dellal and Bambi Northwood-Blyth.

We're pretty much identical now, right?

After some intense haggling (I love a good haggle) the guy just bent over the counter and jammed the gold ring right through my nostril. I was so surprised I forgot to be in pain; so all in all it went well. Plus they tested my blood at the hospital and I didn't get any diseases, so that's awesome too.

Baking with the Handicapped: Double Layer Love Brownies!

I wanted to bake something nice to mail to my boyfriend in Christchurch because he bought me a six foot long stuffed tiger for my birthday and because I love him.* Unfortunately, my motor skills aren’t what they used to be and with two broken shoulders anything involving mixing, chopping, kneading, whisking, icing or any kind of finesse was out of the question.

So: Time to find creative ways to be lazy!

FRANCES’ MAD EASY DOUBLE LAYER LOVE BROWNIES

Ingredients

1 Packet Edmunds Double Fudge Brownies Mix

1 Packet Betty Crocker’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Mix

Method

Set your oven to 180. Grease a baking tray. Put the brownie mix together as instructed on the packet; if your poor little broken arms are too tired get your mom to do it for you. Ditto with cookie mix; in a second bowl. Pour the brownie mix into the baking tray; make sure it’s spread smooth and even. Spread the cookie batter on top. Bake for 15 minutes; or until golden brown and fragrant. Let cool for 10 mins and then remove from the tray and slice into squares. Bam. That’s how you keep a man, ladies.**

*I don’t love him BECAUSE he bought me a tiger. It definitely helped, though.

**Boobs help too.

Tell me all the things you want to do

I'm so sick of sitting in bed all day waiting for painkillers. I've never wanted to run away more than I do now when I can't walk.

So that's what's been sticking out of my shoulder all this time...

So this is my clavicle. See those bits floatin' around there? You think that's good for you? It's not.
I have four weeks to hold very still and eat as much protein as I can; and if junior there doesn't lodge back into place by then they're going to carve a piece out of my hip and stick it in there to sort things out.
I asked the doctor why he had to take bone from my hip to fix it and he started to explain about bonding and healing and stuff; but I was like "NO, why MY hip? Can't you get it from someone else? I think I've done enough." And he started laughing. I did too after a while because of the gas, and because I didn't want him to think I was a sociopath, but I totally wasn't joking. Any volunteers?

I love a gross medical story. Especially if it's mine.

First order of buisness when I got home was to get me some Western medical care. Yay!
Unfortunately, the X-rays revealed that the doctors in India had essentially turned me into a cyborg. Getting through airport security is going to be a bitch from now on.

This is what's left of my left shoulder (lol wordplay). We already tried sticking crap to it, it's not magnetic. Lame.

Are those two inch metal nails sticking out of my arm? Why yes. Yes they are.

I call them my Wolverine claws.

 Of course, I have many other exiting broken bones; these are just the ones they went all Mad Scientist on. Stay tuned for what used to be a clavicle; and the X ray that made my Dad faint.

Get it before it's hot

Are you listening to Lana Del Rey yet? She's like a modern day anorexic hipster Nancy Sinatra and I love her. She's not on iTunes yet; you can only hear her on her youtube channel, and I definitely suggest you stop what you're doing and do so.

Poor Unfortunate Souls

My boyfriend offered to paint my cast for me before he flew away home; and I couldn't decide between an octopus and a princess. So, I did the only logical thing and had him combine the two to create... a sexy reboot of Ursula from the Little Mermaid. Boom. Masterpiece. Is my boo talented, or what?

Just a little bit sexier than the original.

Cow of the Week: Homegrown Edition/Brendan John Hurley Edition

Photography and styling by Peter Ratner.

This is George Washington Cow. I got him when I was 4 in Virginia, at the birthplace of President George Washington. For years I was resentful of him because I really wanted the larger cow toy they were also selling there; but over time I've mellowed and now I just love him for the medium sized cow that he is.

It's my birthday and I'll have all the opiate-based painkillers I want, thank you.

Rollin with my homies

If you had asked me a year ago, I would have told you I'd be spending my 21st at the Big K, doing 21 shots and embarrassing myself on the stripper pole. If you'd asked me a month ago, I would have said I would be spending it with my sister at a goat sacrificing festival in the foothills of Nepal, drinking fermented yak milk and dancing under the moon.

Unfortunately, after losing a fight with a motor vehicle I spent this momentous occasion testing the wheelchair accessibility of the eastern suburbs instead. I was all set for it to be horribly depressing, but my family rallied and it was actually fairly lovely.

This photo makes it look like I'm naked under that fur. I swear I'm not.

First off Karl took me to Scorching Bay for ice-cream-breakfast. I love this place because it's where my parents met; or as my Dad tells it, my where Mom shamelessly seduced him 

Normally I don't approve of the Hutt, but for high quality deep fried goods I make an exception. 

Then we missioned out to the Hutt to go to what is allegedly the best fish and chip shop in the greater Wellington region. Not only was the orange roughy out of this world, but they also gave us a bunch of free extra stuff because I'm such a pitiful and adorable disabled person.

 There is something seriously wrong with with fish eating vegetarians like me. We can be moved to tears by the plight of a spring lamb or a doe eyed baby veal; but fish? Fuck those guys.

Bet you've never had YOUR name spelled out in chocolate dipped strawberries, huh?

I had an awesome dinner with my family; my sister made hummus in a thousand flavors, there was even more seafood, and my mom made a coconut cake that was just ridiculously coconutty. For real.

Because my family is all over the world, most of my presents hadn't arrived- but one thing that was on time was the present thats my favorite every year: the To Frances, Love from Frances present. I had forgotten what a bizarre thing that is to do because my family are so used to it; but having Karl there (and forcing him to gift wrap it due to my lack of motor skills) reminded me, once again, that I'm sort of weird.

I will possibly have to wait a while before wearing these babies-

They'll be a little hard to balance in with a broken ankle and pelvis. On the plus side though; at least I won't get blisters if I'm cruising around in a wheelchair all day.

xx

p.s. Isn't this a refreshingly non-depressing blog post for a change? Stay tuned for Cow of the Week: Homegrown Edition!

Made it.

I thought I'd feel happier about getting home but I don't really have room for it- I just feel tired and sad and sore. I'm dizzy all the time and all I can think about is pain- when my next painkillers are coming, stopping people touching me in case there's pain, how much pain I was in yesterday, how much pain there will be tomorrow.  

Where's Madame Pomfrey when you need her?

Crash & Burn

At 12:15am on Friday the 16^th I was in an auto-rickshaw driving home from a hotel bar. The driver made a sudden turn on the wet road and I went flying out and hit the ground. The rickshaw overturned and rolled over me, with five people still inside it.

I remember spinning through the air, but I don’t remember hitting the ground. I remember the rickshaw rolling over me but I don’t remember it hurting- I just felt annoyed and wished it would hurry up and be over. Then I remember waking up, lying on the ground, not being able to move a single part of my body or hear anything. There were all these flashing lights from cameras and people grabbing at me. People’s mouths were moving but there wasn’t any sound. Everything was drowned out by this horrible high pitched screaming sound, like a possum, stuck in one of those guillotine traps, that isn’t quite dead yet. I realized later it was coming from me.

My left ankle is broken, my pelvis is fractured on the right, I have deep lacerations down my right leg, my right wrist is broken, my right clavicle has multiple fractures, my second vertebrae is cracked and my left arm is snapped clean off at the shoulder.

I spent five days in the ICU unit in Jaipur hospital in what they call on the news ‘serious but stable condition’. The first four days were spent wearing a $400 floor length evening dress because I wouldn’t let them cut it off me.

It was pretty freaky. The guy in the bed next to me died. And they gave me some weird drugs- like, throw-the-radio-in-the-tub-when-White-Rabbit-peaks type weird. I saw things.

My parents came on the second day to be with me and now I’m in the ward waiting to go home. So, trip over. No Varanasi, no Ganges, no Nepal, no Tibet, no Thailand. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my women in the slum. But, I'm alive and I'm slowly regaining the use of my limbs. So yay for that.

Post script: I read this over and over again trying to figure what to cut and add to make it less depressing and more humorous. However, as my dad pointed out, it’s kind of hard to be upbeat about a car accident so I decided to just leave it.