Let them eat cake

This is the cake I made for my niece for her fifth birthday. It's a 25 centimeter high red velvet ombre cake filled with whipped cream and homemade plum jam. I don't know if you can really get a good sense of the scale from those pictures, but each layer is the size of a regular cake. Considering there were only like 12 kids at the party, I may have gone a little overboard.

I seriously love making cakes. I would make them all the time, but I don't really have anyone to give them to- it's one thing handing out some excess cupcakes or cookies; but giving someone an entire cake for no good reason is a little intense.

Aside from not wanting to be some kind of creepy cake peddler, the only other thing standing between me and my own spinoff of Cake Boss is the fact that I refuse to work with fondant. I hate the stuff. It tastes like crap, and it's CHEATING. You can make any shape with fondant so easily, it takes away all the skill. I feel the same way about fondant as Hayao Miyazaki feels about Pixar. 

I WANT THIS CAT

CATKINS DIET.

This is Meow. Meow was abandoned at a shelter in Santa Fe this weekend, and she weighs almost 20kg.

AND SHE IS SO ADORABLE.

I don't know why I find this cat so cute. Maybe I have some weird fetish I don't know about, maybe it's because I'm used clinically obese cats from hanging out with Coco, or maybe it's just because this thing looks like a giant freakin pillow you could just bury your head in while it mewed and waved its arms and legs around helplessly.

This is Coco. She insists it's glandular.

Whatever it is, I WANT THAT CAT. I wonder if she's going to have arm(paw)loads of creepy floppy skin after her diet is finished, like those people on the Biggest Loser. Because that would not be so cute.

I think insanely fat animals are right up there with my favorite genre of animal news, right next to interspecies friendships and ability to talk. Do you think we could we could pair this thing up with, I don't know, a turtle, and then teach it say 'I love you'? Because that would really blow my mind.

It could happen

[public] beating

I don't know if you've been following the [public] bar vs lesbians saga, but I couldn't manage to write it up in an in-depth balanced way without getting tl;dr, so you should definitely supplement this with additional googling if you're interested. Yes, my blog now requires homework.

Here's my best attempt at being succinct: Young couple complains online about being kicked out of [public] bar for kissing while gay. Bouncer tells them they wouldn't have been removed if they were straight. Support snowballs online; issue gets picked up by mainstream media. Girls are barraged by homophobic internet commenters, snarky reporters and accused of lying because they don't have 'proof'. Girls get exhausted, sick of being harassed, decide to withdraw complaint, go home, and eat ice cream. Naysayers rejoice. 


I have only three things to say.


1. What kind of 'proof' do these accusers want to establish that they're not lying? DNA samples? Fingerprints? This isn't CSI, it was a verbal dispute. And unless you believe in some kind of underground gay agenda, it seems the one with the motivation to lie would be the bouncer who wanted to save his job.
Add to that the fact that we know lesbians are very often discriminated against; and this particularly bouncer has apparently bounced (lol pun) around Wellington bars for years gathering a solid reputation for douchebaggery, and I don't really see why we're getting all meta about the nature of knowledge and can we ever really know the truth.

2. Rebekah and Jennie must have had a bitch of a weekend. They shouldn't be pilloried for wanting to get out of this situation and have their privacy back.

3. [public] is a crappy club anyway. Last time I went there a girl puked on my hand in the bathroom and a bunch of malaysian businessmen followed my friend and I around the bar standing directly behind us, never speaking to us or looking us in the eyes, and doing their best to breathe all over our boobs. I'll be boycotting it anyway, homophobic bouncers or not.

At the end of the day, no one but Rebekah, Jennie and the bouncer know what went down, so until we develop a Harry Potter style veritaserum there isn't a lot we can do about it. So let's just all be nice to harassed minorities, not write nasty anonymous comments online, and avoid gross Courtney Place bars; and we'll be good to go.

The Cutest Kitten Video You'll See This Week (depending on how many kitten videos you watch; and how high your adorability standards are... but it's pretty cute, promise)

It's really short, too, so if you have time constraints on your daily kitten video viewing, this is a solid choice for you.

This is one of our newest kittens, trying desperately and nearly failing, to get back on it's feet after a sweetass tummy rub.

We have three new kittens as well as a mother cat. They don't have names yet, so I've just been calling them all Mogwai until we think of something cute and witty.

SO TINY AND FLUFFY

Get Your Drink On: Vodka Mudslide Cupcakes

Since the Mighty Mighty Market is set in a bar, I decided to theme all my cupcake flavors for next month's market around drinks I love.

I couldn't think of a way to make a tequila, lime and salt cupcake taste good (testing is underway, rest assured) so I went with vodka mudslides; the ultimate bitch drink. These were what I used to buy all the time when I first got my fake ID(I love you, Alyse) and didn't have to rely on rocketfuel any more. All class, all the time. That's Frances.

Was going for a soft serve ice cream swirl effect with the icing; may have accidentally achieved the sparkly unicorn poop effect instead. 

All the vodka is in the icing- and don't be fooled by the tiny airplane bottle in the picture; there is A LOT of vodka in there. I kept adding more because I couldn't taste it through the buttercream; but then I waited a few seconds and got the aftertaste- it is INTENSE. As they say in Russia; there cannot be too much vodka, there can only be not enough vodka (it sounds much more profound if you say it in a Russian accent like I do in my head).

The market is May 5th, so get ready to get your drink on! xoxo

p.s. Kitten news- Buttercup and Farmboy got adopted today- together! The family that took them home sound really nice, and we're really happy they got to go together. A little bit sad that now there is no chance Annie will go with Buttercup, because they were bff, but hopefully she'll go home with one of her siblings. Loneliness is kryptonite to kittens.

Frances Has No Kittens.

Cobra Kai, Crazy Horse and Annie all went back to the SPCA today to get spayed and rehomed and left me all alone with nothing but a shockingly full litter tray and more scratches on my wrists than Demi Lovato.

Usually when I'm sad, I look at photos of squishy faced cats to cheer me up, but obviously that just makes things worse right now.

Still, just in case YOU'RE having a sad day too, here is a photo of a squishy face cat belonging to a girl I know. It has three legs, no teeth and a monopoly on adorable. Enjoy.

LOOK AT THAT SQUISHY FACE.

you GOTTA be kitten me

This is CATastrophically cute

If someone tells me this is shopped it will break my heart into a million pieces.

My Niece Tells Hilarious Jokes

One of the exciting things my niece has learnt at kindergarten, aside from Finger Painting 101 and Boys Have Cooties, is how to tell jokes. Here are some of her favorites:

Yeah, she's pretty hilarious. 

Goodbye, kittens #1 & #2

This is the happy face of a kitten who doesn't know she's being neutered tomorrow.

We’re giving up two of our foster kittens tomorrow- Farmboy and Buttercup. It’s going to be really hard because they’re our first kittens, and, well, Farmboy is the best cat ever. Like, actually. He poops in his box, he never scratches, he’s good at planking and he has happy sparkling eyes that melt your heart like ice cream in a microwave.*

BEST CAT EVER.

We had to fill out all this paperwork before we sent them off, and we also made a little packet of photos to send to their future owners. We put a little note in telling them how much we loved the kittens and how awesome they were and how we hoped they’d take care of it; but as soon as I sealed the envelope I just started sobbing uncontrollably, because the last thing I want to do is hand them over to some stranger who I don’t know and definitely don’t trust.

I wrote nice stuff in that note, but what I really wanted to write was something like this:

This is the best kitten in the world, and you’d better love the crap out of it. Don’t let him get fleas, because I spent hours combing them out of his fur and catching them one by one because the flea powder was slow to work and I could tell he was in pain. Don’t ever yell at him or punish him for not going in the litter box, because he’s just a baby and it’s cruel, and its probably your fault for not cleaning it, you asshole. Don’t let him go outside until he’s older. Do you know how many idiots let their cats die like this? He’s too young, he doesn’t know what to do, he’ll got lost or hit by a car, and I can tell you that’s not something you bounce back from. If he gets sick, pay his vet bills. Don’t just let him die. And, do not be one of those sick, twisted individuals who decided to move overseas then has their cat euthanized rather than bothering to find them a new owner. You are the worst kind of people.

And don’t you ever, ever mistreat him, hit him, abandon him or scare him, because if you do, I will track you down and go Mortal Kombat on your bitch ass. 

 Also, he likes playing with socks and his favorite cat food flavor is beef, so, yeah. Keep that in mind too, future owner.

Annie will also be in line to fuck you up if you mess with her bro.

 Everyone wish Farmboy and Buttercup luck for tomorrow morning while they get their genitals cut off and get to work on lookin' cute enough to find a new home. And if you've been swayed by these adorable photos and want to take one of them home yourself, text me tonight! 021 1988 111**

*Yes, I am very good at similes.

** I know its a terrible idea to post your phone number on your heavily trafficked blog, especially when  a solid portion of your hits come from google searches for 'kim kardashian sex tape' and 'wheelchair sex tape'; but I want to give Buttercup and Farmboy their best chance. I'll take it down tomorrow, so in the mean time.... don't do anything creepy. 

I think Kim & Kanye are happening, for realsies this time guys!

I'm sorry for two Kanye posts in a row, but this is pretty important news.

Have you ever imagined what it would be like if two things you loved, more than anything in the world, joined to become one? For me, that would either be a kitten made of cupcakes who could rap, OR... Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating.

The world has been taunted with this wonderful possibility before. We pretty much know (Because nothing E! tells us is ever a lie) that they slept together when Kim hit it big post Ray J int the early 2000's (if you're having trouble following all this, click HERE); but it was all heavily denied and kept on the d-low. But check out the lyrics from Yeezy's latest track, Theraflu-

And I admit I fell in love with Kim … ‘round the same time she fell in love with him … that’s cool, babygirl, do your thing … lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team.

Jay being Jay Z, Kanye's mentor, and(awesomely) the owner of the basketball team Kim's faux ex husband Kris plays for.

OMG. EXCITING. I KNOW.

They were also caught leaving a showing of the Hunger Games* together; and leaving a restaurant 30 seconds apart, in he last few days.

How amazing would it be if this really happened? Kanye is pretty much the male version of Kim, but with more talent and awesome and less being peed on for money. Can you imagine the glorious collision of egos and excessive wealth? The tweets that would come out of this? The inevitable sex tape????

AND THE CHILDREN. What if they had babies? The spawn of this union would eclipse any celebrity baby, ever. It would make Suri Cruise look well adjusted. What would they name it? Definitely something starting with K. Definitely something stupid and made up. This is all too much, I need to go lie down in a dark room before I get hysterical.

There will be so. Many. Twit pics.

*How is the Hunger Games? I'm going to see it with my dad on Friday. At first I didn't want to go because I read the book ad thought it was crappily written**; and also because the franchise was so heavily marketed to swoop up the Twilight fanbase, but I have heard it's actually really good.

**Dystopian fiction is favorite genre at the moment and I have very high standards for it. Also, those stupid cave scenes went on FOREVER.

He's forgotten better shit that you ever thought of

Hey Martha, imma let you finish...

I've written a few times about my strong feelings for Kanye West, and today I realized it's a while since we had some Kanye, so heres some Kanye

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE KANYE TWEETS (star studded nuggets of wisdom, every one)

'Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on'

'i hate when im on a flight & I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like oh great now i gotta be responsible for this water bottle'

'I always misspell genius! The irony!'

'I hate when people email you and ask “You wanna know something?” of course but why are u torturing me by spreading this to more than 1 email'

'Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I’m looking to have a conference… not until I get the table though'

'I don’t understand why they have a do not disturb button on the plane if they keep waking you asking if you want juice'

'Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes'

'I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery'

I want one.