Today I embroidered... Ron Swanson.

Capitalism.

Today I embroidered Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation. I really feel I captured the bushiness of his mustache and the jowl-iness of his jowls. He and April (and Champion!) are my favorite characters; and you should definitely watch the show if you're not already.

Today I embroidered... a cat licking its own butthole.

I was bored this afternoon so I decided to teach myself to embroider. Either embroidery is really easy, or I'm just good at everything*, because it took me like fifteen minutes to whip this mofo up. It's a cat cleaning it's butt. It seemed like the obvious first choice.

And I had my brain scans and stuff today- didn't go so great. The guy gave me all these tests where I had to memorize things and make lists and recite numbers backwards and stuff; and when he told me to list all the male names I could think of I got stuck and did the Ninja Turtles. I don't know of that makes me less or more retarded.

Stay tuned for my next embroidery project: a dramatic portrait of Ron Swanson.

*Probably this.

Kittens Eating Whipped Cream

The fur babies went a whole entire day without pooping anywhere inappropriate so we decided to give them a treat.

We took them to the vet for their shots the other day and found out Crazy, Cobra and Annie are all actually eight weeks old even through they're the size of five week old kittens- they were so malnourished that their growth has been permanently stunted. Poor little slumkitties.

In other news, I'm going in for a three hour series of brain tests tomorrow and it is going to be SO BORING. I wish I could take the kittens in to entertain me but I don't think that would help in getting me declared sane and cerebrally functional.

omg, shoes.

Years of having to wear clunky black school shoes and tight ponytails every day have left me with an inexhaustible urge to go barefoot with my hair loose whenever I can get away with it, and even if I can't. As a result, the only shoes I own are a dozen pairs of platform heels, Nike airs ('cos I'm gangsta) and a very shiny pair of black patent Doc Martins I was planning to take hiking in the Tibetan peaks until fate intervened.

So, yeah. I both love shoes for their prettyness and hate them for the nasty way they restrict the autonomy of my toes- which are weird, by the way. I have this freaky thing going on where my toe lengths are all wrong- on my left foot; the first two are the same size, then the next one is way longer, the one after that way shorter, and then the pinky toe is just veering off in a world of its own. Don't even get me started on the right foot.

Anyway, I would now like to elegantly segue on to a montage of Awesome Shoes I Want To Prance Around In. Enjoy.

18th century chopines; totes worth breaking into a museum for.

I like Keith Haring anything; and wedges are my favorite form of heel. Double win. 

Miu Miu ftw.

I think this might have been an at-home bedazzling job but I love them anyway.

I am actually currently in the process of trying to acquire a closed toe pair of these for winter. 

Louboutin Ballet stilettos. We need to make sure Tyra Banks never finds out about these or she's finally going to actually kill an ANTM contestant on one of her ridiculous runway challenges. 

Cupcake Collective

I just finished baking for the Wellington Young Feminist's Collective's stall at the Aro Valley fair tomorrow. I made my fluffiest vanilla cupcakes with buttercream frosting roses on top; the tenuous connection being flowers = Georgia O'Keefe = feminism and whatnot, obviously.

If you're not already subscribed to the WYFC's fb page you should be; they post really interesting inspiring stuff non stop, and I have learnt lots of things from them. You don't have to be young or female to get something out of it, either. Everyone should be a feminist. I feel like it's one of those things like loving puppies and hating cancer- it's the default setting for a good person.

Yonic imagery?

The Story of How We Acquired (and Nearly Killed) Annie the Kitten

This is Annie. She is the last of Cobra Kai and Crazy Horse's litter to be rounded up from the mean streets of Wellington, and she has come to live in our Foster Home for Wayward Kittens.

When we got her, she was really hissy and spitty and scared like her brothers were, but she seemed to be warming to us fast. So fast that we let her play chasies with the rest of the orphans around the lounge the night she got home. As good responsible parents, we surpervised. We watched five kittens run behind the mirror by the fireplace. A moment later, we watched four kittens emerge. Time passed. Eventually, I went to check if she was taking a crap back there. She wasn't. She had disappeared.

y helo thar

We turned the flat upside down. It got to the point where we were starting to theorize if she could possibly have squeezed down the toilet. Portkeys and floo powder were discussed. We even carried Cobra around the house and tried to get him to sniff her out, but he just started purring and batted my nose.

Then she started meowing and we realized- SHE WAS INSIDE THE WALLS. She had somehow squeezed herself into a tiny gap between the fireplace and the wall and couldn't get out. Karl pulled the fireplace apart and got into the walls; and then spent about five hours sitting in there trying to lure her out while I sobbed about how she was going to die in the walls and we'd have to move out to avoid being haunted by adorable demon kittens.

She matches the rug! Bonus!

We did finally get her out, and she was just like 'Mrow?', drank a bowl of milk, and fell asleep. Fuckin' bitch.

Anyway, we christened her Anne, for obvious reasons, and we are making solid progress in taming her. Her interests include biting your fingers, staring contests and meowing when she's lonely; and her dislikes are excessive cuddling, the vacuum cleaner and being sat on by bigger kittens. We love her.

Paradigm Shift: Mighty Mighty Market

Check out my sweet drawing of a kitty; luring in the customers. Oh yeahhh.

Philosophically, I do not believe in time as a linear concept; so therefore I'm not really posting these pictures of my cupcake stall at the Mighty Mighty Market late; but simply at a different point on the static plane of existence.

Frosting like a champ.

The Mighty Mighty Market is a monthly event where hipsters swarm together in their spawning ground to feed off each others ironic energy and buy vintage denim jackets and floral dresses. I made 130 cupcakes in three flavors- coconut and eastern rosewater, chocolate fudge blossom and ultimate vanilla surprise. Despite many skinny jean wearers complaining about the lack of gluten freeness and excess of sugar and butter, I made a killing and I'll defs be back there with exciting new flavours. I'm thinking a neapolitan cupcake- or maybe one with mini candy bars in it. The possibilities are endless.

This is what 130 cupcakes looks like.

I'm not doing a stall this month since I've decided to chill out and just bake for the Wellington Young Feminists Association's stall at the Aro Valley Fair this Saturday, but stay tuned for next month.

Top Three Things to Read on the Internets Today

Books are hard- not reading them, I'm cool with that. it's the fact that it's either like $30 for some piece of junk you might not even like from Unity or getting stuff from the library which means you then have to deal with inevitable fines because god knows what kind of machiavellian mind can remember when they're due back.

So analog books are on the way out, but e-readers haven't quite sorted their shit out either. But reading makes you smart and gives you interesting things to talk about, and it also helps me get to sleep when I have an iced mochachino anytime after midday. My response to this dilemma is to read lots of things on the internet. Here are the best three I read today:

3. KARL LAGERFELD IN 24 HOURS

In this article, Karl Lagerfeld of Chanel shares an average 24 hours of his life. And spoiler alert- this guy is batshit insane. He spends all day lounging sensually around his Parisian mansion in a seventeenth century lace nightshirt, pausing only to drink chocolate protein shakes and play with his kitten, who he creepily describes as 'a very refined object'. Also, judging from the hilarious photos from around his boudoir, dudes totally a hoarder.

Pictured:a 'refined object'

2. Pretty Much Everything on Cracked

This is the greatest website. I learn all my best information on here. It's actually kind of a problem because my BFF Alyse reads it religiously too, so whenever one of us tries to tell the other something exciting we've learned, the other person always goes 'YEAH I know ireaditoncrackedtoo' 

3. Francesca Lia Block's Collaboration with Wildfox Couture

Do you remember Francesca Lia Block? She wrote teen novels in the early nineties about punk fairy princess Weetzie Bat(not a typo) and her adventures in Shangri-L.A. (Los Angeles.. get it?) with her gay best friend, her Secret Agent Lover Man, and her daughters of dubious parentage, Cherokee and Witch Baby (I have to remember to save those for kitten names). 

Well, she collaborated with L.A.-neo-vintage-indie label Wildfox Couture to write a short story as inspiration for their latest capsule collection. It's very sweet and romantic, and the editorial that goes with it is pretty killer. 

They set up a standalone website for the project, but I prefer to read it on the WC blog because the outtakes from the shoot are on there and they're stellar. My favorite girl is Dahlia, who's yours?

Yes, those are platform ballerina shoes. No, I don't own them... yet.

Art and Crafts with Frances: Scrabble Magnets!

This originally read 'I love kittens' and 'feed frances'

Karl won't play scrabble with me any more because I cane his ass every time, so I decided to up-cycle* our scrabble set and make this sweet ass magnets. Functionally, they're a step up from those lame little white word sets everyone has on their fridge; and also really cool looking.

Here's how to make them:

You need: scissors, magnetic tape(get it from Bunnings) and a set of wooden scrabble tiles. You can use the plastic ones too, but they tend to be recessed in the back so you'll have to double up the tape- plus, they're not as classy looking.

Cut the magnetic tape into little squares slightly smaller than the tiles. Peel off the backing, stick to tiles. Press hard till its totally set. Stick on fridge, spell things!

*God I hate that word. Just typing it makes me feel like a dirty hippy. 

Kitten Update!

It's the moment you've all been waiting for- OFFICIAL KITTEN NAMES. It's more than likely the new owners will take them and rename them something horribly boring like Lucky or Tigger or Whiskers or Fluff; but at least we tried.

Grey and Gray and now Buttercup and Farmboy, because:

• Buttercup is really pretty but kind of a bitch
• Farmboy follows her around all the time
• Westley is way too dignified a name for him
• They like going on adventures and fighting (pretend) giant rats together 
• I watched the Princess Bride on youtube the other night and got pretty emotional.

This pic is a two for one: cute baby cat AND a nice close up of my thumb.

Green Mile has been rechristened Cobra Kai because;

• When we first got him, he hissed and spat like a snake all the time
• He's reformed and he's not on death row anymore 
• I watched the Karate Kid on youtube the other night and got pretty emotional

This guy is Cobra's bro from the 'hood- they just picked him up yesterday. He's pretty fierce and hisses all the time, but because Cobra is so cuddly with me all the time he comes and sleeps on my shoulder too, but with this total fuck-you attitude, like he thinks all the other kittens have stockholm syndrome and he's the only sane one left. I am a total kitten whisperer though, so I think he'll come around within a few days.

We've named him Crazy Horse;

• Because he has those mad cool American Indian mohawk markings on his head
• He's a total warrior kitten
• I watched Last of the Mohicans on youtube the other night and got pretty emotional

The shelter called and wanted us to take the other two kittens from Cobra and Crazy's litter, but we had to say no because I think Karl will break up with me if he has to clean up any more poop from the shower*. Hopefully their foster parents are as awesome as us, though, and don't name any of them Lucky.

*There's been a bit of confusion in the team about where we're supposed to be pooping. The day they came, I spent hours hand stitching a baby blanket for them, which Buttercup immediately shat on. Then Farmboy was like, 'Oh, this is the spot? Cool.' and took a copycat dump right next to it. So I trashed the blanket, and now opinion is divided on correct crapping procedure between the litterbox and the shower floor. And behind the heater. And next to the fridge. But we're getting there.

Kitten(s) of the Week: My foster orphans!

Today I got a call from the SPCA and I went and picked up three little orphaned kittens that I'm going to be fostering for the next few weeks. I don't have very good photos since at the moment they're mostly just cowering behind furniture and peeing on stuff, but there will be more later, have no doubt. They all have interim names at the moment until I think of something really good*.

crazy eyes!

This is Gray and Grey. They're 8 week old boy girl twins and their family abandoned them because they were born out of wedlock (or something. I wasn't really paying attention) and they're lovely. Their hobbies include sleeping, eating cat food loudly and batting each others tails.

This is Green Mile: he's only six weeks old. I'm calling him that because we have two weeks to stop him being such a wild child or he might be going to death row. Green was found wandering the streets in the rain, presumably ditched by his mom, and he's pretty feral. He spits and hisses a lot but he's so tiny and high pitched that its just adorable.We're having trouble getting him to eat but hopefully he'll feel better after a good nights sleep and a round with the laser pointer.

Do you have a kitten shaped hole in your life? Think about it. I might be able to hook you up, g.

*Not like when I named my part time flat cat, Sandwiches. I just yelled words at him till he looked like he was smiling, and Sandwiches is what we landed on. I was hungry at the time. Or when I named my first (and best ever) cat, Victoria. She was named after Posh Spice.**

**Scratch that. Posh Spice is an awesome namesake.

My Arcane Secrets Revealed: How to make buttercream roses.

After so many people coming up to me and saying "OMG! How did you do that?" and me replying "Icing sugar and witchcraft." I thought it was time to finally make a how-to video for my roses.

Yes, I sparkle on camera. As for the icing recipe, it's just icing sugar, softened butter and food coloring whipped super fast together. I'm sorry I don't have more precise measurements to give you, but my approach to baking has always been 'throw stuff in a bowl till your spidey senses tell you cake is going to occur' so, yeah. Just experiment.

Also, before someone brings it up: I am aware my accent is weird. I'm sorry. It's a weird fusion of New Zealand and New York and too many speech and drama lessons, and I can't help it.

Jetset Bohemian made my day.

Do you ever look around at what people are wearing and go, "Shit. All these people have awesome clothes, but everything I see in stores is crap. Where are the good clothes coming from???"
I had long thought that was just a result of my general paranoia, but today I actually found where all the Good Clothes are: Jetset Bohemian. It's a popup store across the road from Superette, in the spot where that place that sold the cute fifties style cotton dresses used to be. Everything in this shop is wonderful.

Excellent, excellent rug.

A lot of it is vintage, but it's all really good vintage- no trawling through piles of crap to find that one cool tee or sparkly dress WITHOUT giant shoulder pads. Everything is good. It only opened yesterday, so you still have time to get down there and snag something good.

My skirt, seen here artistically contrasted with my ugly curtains.

I got this amazing galaxy print skirt- the colours are sweet, it looks like a liquified Van Gogh. I'm going to wear it with a slouchy black tee and platform heels and walk around looking way cooler than I actually am.

I totally would have bought this if I wasn't conveniently into maxi skirts at the moment due to my yucky car accident leg scars. But you should buy it!

Pardon my bad photography today. There were too many shiny things around, I was overstimulated.