Meet Kitty Kitty Bang Bang

This is our new foster kitten. Her name is Kitty Kitty Bang Bang because thats a completely awesome name. She has a bad case of the pink eye, so we have to hold her down three times a day and give her eye drops while she screams like she's being murdered.

The pink eye sounds gross, but it's actually completely adorable. She pretty much runs around with one eye shut, banging into things like a drunk pirate, unless we catch her and clean the gunk out of it.

Kitty Kitty Bang Bang's interests include purring like crazy, drinking water from the shower and clawing your face while you sleep; and she will be available for adoption one week from now.

Look at those adorable wonky eyes.

Van Gogh Nails

These are my favorite nails yet, and they were actually pretty easy. The only tricky bit is doing the blending in the sky. My other hand, however, looks less like a Starry Night and more like someone vomited a blueberry smoothie onto my nails. I need to cultivate some ambidextrousness.*

*My spell check didn't pick that up, which makes it an actual word, I guess? 

Kitten Torture Session of the Week

Why feed your kittens when you can make them fight for their food, hunger games style?

All the above kittens have been adopted, but their mom is still hanging out in the SPCA. It's hard for adult cats, especially when they're black. No, actually. People are really racist about adopting cats, no one wants the black ones.

What Frances Did Today: I Became a (self) Certified Online Cat Psychic

As my regular readers will know, I am perpetually bored. I don't go to University, I don't have a a job, I don't do my own laundry. I pretty much sit around waiting for my bones to knit together and googling stuff like 'why are my toes so weird?', 'what's it like having six fingers?' and 'how can i tell if my cat has ADHD?'.

In one of my recent attempts to amuse myself, I created a fiverr account under the nom de plume 'Naomi De Plume (I am so super witty, I know) and offered to perform psychic readings on stranger's cats over the internet.

There's a lot of things to explain in that sentence. Let's work our way through it.

1. Fiverr is a website where people offer to perform a service online for $5. Stuff like proof reading documents, designing a logo, doing other peoples homework. It's a pretty cool site.

2. I didn't want to use my real name because I don't want future employers to google me and find out what kind of person I actually am.

3. I am totally cat psychic. I have all the same qualifications that human psychics have: I own a lot of crystals, I'm liberal with the eyeliner and I can whip out new age phrases like 'astral plane', 'spiritual harmony', 'quantum presence', 'holistic truths' like nobodies business.

Here's my service description on fiverr:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have known what cats are saying. Usually, it's 'I want food'. But beyond that, in every cat, there is a plethora of complex emotions, neuroses and desires yearning to be heard.
That's where I come in: Send me a photo and a brief description of your cat's lifestyle, and I will provide a psychic reading using my plane transcendal astral cat guide, Peanut, as a medium. Also, I'll use crystals. Tons of crystals.
In order to gain a spiritual connection with your cat, I will require a photograph of the cat, with their eyes clearly visible.
A brief description of their lifestyle will also be useful for me to interpret their spiritual feline energy.
Also send any specific questions you have.
Namaste.

And now, a small demonstration of my skills.

This cat feels unfulfilled in its current life role, and wishes to explore new hobbies. I suggest a laser pointer.

This cat does not want to wear a sweater. Also, she is concerned with your growing dependence on online shopping. 

This cat is worried about the environment. 

This is going to be super fun. Here's the link if you or anyone you know need some feline energy translated.

The truly depressing thing about this whole situation is not that I'm doing this, but that I'm not the only cat psychic on this website.

Nail Art: Facebook Manicure

Me, exhibiting my hand-model skills.

I've gotten a little it obsessed with those nail art tutorials you find on youtube, and after three attempts at doing galaxy nails last night, I gave up and did these instead. They're a little shaky because I was too lazy to use tape on my french tips and just freehanded it, but they still turned out cool.

These are the nails I was aiming for. I tried a bunch of different sponging techniques to get them to blend nicely, but it wasn't working. I couldn't manage the little white stars, either. Anyone got any tips?

Adopt Yoko: She's Cool With Being Forced To Wear a Tiny Sweater For your Amusement

"You will be the first to die when I grow thumbs."

We have one more week before we return Yoko, Prudence, Lucy and Sadie to the SPCA to be de-ovaried and re-homed. And then we get a fresh batch of kittens- yay!
But not before a short break, where I will appreciate such things as:
-Not waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of three kittens breastfeeding loudly, inches away from your face
- Not having to disinfect the shower before every use just in case someone peed in it
- A short period of time where the multiple scratches, scrapes abrasions and scars covering every inch of my body can start to heal
- Using the toilet without someone jumping on my lap to hang out
- Being able to eat yoghurt or sushi without being mauled

I know the kittens will be adopted instantly, but I really hope Yoko finds a home too. She's such a cool cat- super friendly and talkative, and she actually comes when she's called, which is a rarity in cats, who generally prefer to just come when they feel like it or when they think there might be a california roll to steal.

xx

I am SO ready for you, Zombie Apocalypse

I have seen all of the zombie movies. All of them. And not just because post apocalyptic fiction is my favorite genre, but because I'm preparing.
FOR THIS.
This weekend, a naked guy in Miami was shot by police when he refused to sop eating a homeless guy's face. They're saying it was cocaine madness (that would make an excellent band name. dibbs.), but they are clearly wrong. It's totes the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. And I'm ready.
Assuming these are Romero type zombies (slow, virus spreads by bites with a long incubation period) rather than 28 Days Later rage virus (zombies fast, virus takes effect instantly); we pretty much have to stay safe from the zombies for about 50 days; which is how long it takes a human body to decompose to the point where they'd no longer be a threat.*
My plan is boats. If the Walking Dead taught us anything (aside from the fact that an amazing premise and budget does not necessarily make for an amazing show) it's that people are as big a threat during the zombie apocalypse than the titular zombies.
So, my plan is to load up enough food, water and reading materials for sixty days, gather a crew, and go steal a boat. I've seen Pirates of the Caribbean, how hard can t be?**
As for weapons: we're going with garden machetes and cricket bats. Although the plan is to avoid battle, theres always a chance we might need to go on shore for supplies or something. I know people always say they would want a katana or a shotgun, but katanas actually suck for severing heads (thank you, google) and, come on. This isn't America. Nobody has a shotgun you can steal.

*If anyone ever investigated my google search history, I would come off as a complete psychopath.
** There is an opening in my survival team (which I have just named Team Cocaine Madness) for someone who actually knows how to sail a boat.

Flavors of the Month

I'm selling cupcakes the fringe bar market on Cuba street this saturday; and Karl designed me this super sweet menu. I really have literally nothing going on in my life right now apart from kitten rearing and growing the layers out of my hair, so I focus a lot of energy on making new flavors for my cupcake weekends.
Let's break it down:

1. WHITE CHOCOLATE EXPRESSO. This is going to be insane delicious. For real. It's got a surprise gooey white chocolate ganache centre; and the sweet ooziness is going to balance out the strong, rich coffee flavor in the frosting. 
2. PEANUT BUTTER FUDGE. My favorite flavor- the base is pretty much like a giant cupcake brownie, and the frosting is 50% pure peanut butter, with just enough confectioners sugar and cream to get it to an awesome, whipped consistency. And it's drizzled with dark chocolate because THAT'S HOW I ROLL.
3. LAVENDER & WILD HONEY. The wild card. It's a fluffy vanilla cake with the butter substituted for homemade lavender butter- most recipes using lavender just mix it in with the batter, but I thought it would be better to do it the same way you make hash brownies- don't just throw it in there, make hash butter first! And I was totally right. It's waaay stronger that way.
4. CHAMPAGNE & STRAWBERRIES. I carried this over from last month because it was my favorite. I didn't really think I'd like it because I'm not so into champagne*; but for some reason when its turned into frosting it just become the best thing in the world. Also, these each have a whole strawberry in the centre and I like getting to eat tons of strawberries while baking. Win win.

*A couple of valentines days ago, Karl** and I won this massive prize pack that included a whole bottle of champagne at San Fran. I refused to drink it, so he choked down the entire bottle because I didn't want it to go to waste, and then puked it up on the side of the road. Later, we found out out was an $150 bottle. We have no taste, apparently. 

** Thank you Karl for designing this menu. Karl can totally design stuff for you too, hit him up on his blog!

DIY with Frances: Magical String Lamp!

BEHOLD.

This lamp is ridiculously cool. Its all hempy and crap, makes our flat look super organic and stuff, and implies we are the type of people who recycle and eat artichokes and ride our groceries home in a basket crate on the handlebars of our restored vintage bicycles*.
All that from one lamp? Yes. Thats how intense this lamp is. And you too can experience the joy, by following these simple steps:

1. Buy a ginourmous balloon from the Met Shop off Cuba st. There is a cafe next door that does great wedges. Check it out. 
2. Get a ton of PVA glue, vaseline, string and newspapers. I don't know why newspapers still exist, but I do know you can get them for free at the Vic campus, so you can save some cash money by doing that.
3. Lay out the newspapers to protect your lovely countertops from damage. If your countertops are already gross, you can omit this step.
4. Inflate balloon and slather it lovingly with vaseline. Then have your assistant fill their palms with glue. Run the string through the glue and wrap it around the balloon, turning it as you do so. Continue for ages and ages until your happy with the density of string. Make sure to leave a gap at the top to fit over the light fitting.
5. Hang it to dry for 48 hours.
6. Pierce the balloon and gradually let the air escape. 
7. Congratulations, you have achieved lamp! 

*We are not that kind of people. Last week we decided we wanted to eat an artichoke so we went to Moore Wilsons to try and find one; but we didn't know what they looked like and we were too embarrassed to ask so we just gave up. Later, when we were on a candy run at New World Metro, Karl found a container of Jerusalem Artichokes and we bought some. I don't know what the hell those tuberous monstrosities are, but they are NOT ARTICHOKES. Also, I can't ride a bike. 

This is the Next Big Thing in Baking: Cupcakewurst!

Word on the blogosphere is that after french macarons* and cupcakes, the next big thing in baking is cake pops. This is not true. I hate cakepops. They are stupid. I refuse to engage in cake-popping.

Ugh.

The next big thing in baking, the confection that will be all over your pinterest like herpes, is CUPCAKEWURST.

Behold!

It's cupcake batter, in a sausage skin casing and grilled. Of course, the downside of this is that you have to grope intestines as part of your baking process now, and feeling uncomfortable about touching meat is pretty much the reason I became a vegetarian** (unlike Kim Kardashian, who became famous because she WAS comfortable touching meat. Zing!).

Food that looks like other food! Cuuuute.

In other baking related news, I'm going to be peddling my buttery wares at the Fringe Market instead of the Mighty Mighty Market this month. Just felt like a change of scenery; and also a lot of the girls that hang out there don't eat so it was kind of a flawed business model to start with. I'll be there at 191 Cuba street  from dawn till dusk on Saturday the 26th- and my super cool friend Alice will be with me and she's making us MATCHING APRONS. Like a REAL buisness. I am so excited, you guys.

*WHICH I CAN MAKE. My macarons have such beautiful feet that Quentin Tarantino and Joss Whedon would fight to the death over them.
**More of a watery pescatarian these days, if I'm honest.

Total Nightmare Fuel

So. Wrong.

This popped up on my tumblr* today and its the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

It's a child's skull before losing baby teeth.

What the hell?? I mean, I guess I knew your adult teeth were waiting under there; but I kind of though they grew out or something. Like pearly white spring flowers, sprouting timely from the warm earth. Not like that abomination.

This picture concerns me in a lot of ways, one of the biggest being, what happens to the space in your jawbone when the teeth migrate out? Do you just have dark, empty caverns that once housed teeth, or do they close in or something? Grosses me out.

*Yeah, I have a tumblr. Down with the kids and whatnot. 

Kitten Update: Naming Edition

Our new batch of kittens are coming along nicely. They have been increasing in fluffiness, laser pointer chasing skills and neck cuddles at a rapid rate; and also decreasing in pooping on floor and sneeziness.

Not creepy to take pictures of people while they're sleeping if kittens are involved.

They've been a little ill the past few weeks, but they've had a course of antibiotics and multiple lullabies and they're almost all better. So much better, in fact, that I think I can stop inspecting their poop twice a day for signs of disease like I'm reading freakin tea leaves.

We have also finally named them. We started off with the little grey one, who we named Dear Prudence, because that's what I sang to her while she ill and wouldn't stop crying. So then we named the two black ones Lucy and Sadie*, for matchy-ness; and the mother Yoko also for matchy-ness and because for a while there we were calling her 'asian cat' because she looks like one of the evil asian cats from Lady & the Tramp and we were like, 'wait, is this racist' and we decided maybe, so, Yoko it is. Definitely less racist.

Also, pretty much all of my photos are of Pru, not because I like her the most(although I do) but because black cats awkwardly aren't that photogenic.

*You can tell the difference between them because Sadie has a distended anus.**
**DON'T JUDGE. She's still cute. 

Four (More) Things I Really Want To Buy, But Shouldn't

The second installment. For those of you who are regular readers of this blog, you'll be happy to know I now own 3 of the 5 things on my old riducu-list. Ten points for whoever guesses which. Now without further ado, here is the 2012 list of Things I Really Want To Buy (But Shouldn't): 

1. ENORMOUS ARMCHAIR COUCH THING

I found this chair in freedom when Karl and I were shopping for our imaginary future-house.* You don't really get a great sense of scale from the photo, but trust me, it is ENOURMOUS. Two people can easily settle down on this beast of a chair for an evening of drinking airplane size liquor bottles and pretending to be in Alice and Wonderland world. Three, if they're skinny.

However, it costs nearly 2k and I can't reasonably spend that money when the Salvation Army sells perfectly good moldy armchairs that someone probably died in for a fraction of the cost. Also, it's white, and I am currently parenting three kittens who haven't quite mastered the use of their sphincters, so, no sale. Sadface. 

2. Jedi Robe

Those of you who watch Game of Thrones will know that Winter Is Coming. And it's going to be cold, especially in an uninsulated Wellington flat. Which is why(prepare for pop culture reference shift) it's more practical than ever for me to buy a deluxe Jedi Robe to use as a dressing gown around the house.

There are several online options for jedi robes online, ranging from thinkgeek.com at the low end, to the aptly named jedi-robe.com at the high. All options are equally dorky.

The main thing that's holding me back is that if I buy this, I'm in inevitably going to wear it to the dairy at some point, and Patel(Aro Valley dairy is the WORST) already eyes me up like I'm a shoplifter so I don't want to strain relations further.

3. Renly Baratheon's Stag Crown

Of course Renly has the most fabulous headwear in the series.

 Moving on from Star Wars and back to Game of Thrones, I need this crown. Spoiler alert, Renly Baratheon doesn't, he got stabbed by a vagina shadow monster. But I want one. 

I don't actually know if anyone is producing these commercially, but please can you? This is a hundred times more badass than those Lana Del Rey flower crowns everyone is into. If someone can track this bad boy down for me, I will buy it so hard and wear it at all times without a trace of irony.**

4. JEFFREY CAMPBELL SUSPECT PLATFORMS

Nasty Gal has long been the number one port of call for slutty hipster wear; and they have not disappointed with their latest offering. These shoes are amazing. I love the juxtaposition of the giant 90’s Spice World-esque platforms with the clear plastic stripper heel straps. These look like something Courtney Stodden*** would wear if she was a Dutch milkmaid, on her way to market with a basket of hot pink tulips.****

Who am I kidding, I’m totally going to buy them.

xoxo

* It’s not so much a house as the Batcave, really. And I’m not so much going to be living there with Karl as I am with Christian Bale.

** In other Game of Thrones news, I'm working on an embroidery piece of Daenerys eating the bloody stallion's heart. Medium to high obsessed with that show. KING IN THE NORTH!

*** Don’t know who Courtney is? You’re missing out.

**** Feels like a missed opportunity for a joke about dykes.

Some Awkward Teenagers Holding My Cupcakes

I never actually saw any of them take a bite.

Mighty Mighty May

Credit to Karl for my adorable menu.

This weekend I cleaned up at the Mighty Mighty Market, although I did immediately spend most of my lucre on long island iced teas and frosted cherry pop tarts (thank you, Nik Naks*). The rest is going towards the wardrobe budget for my fantasy surfing holiday to Noumea. 

All of my cupcakes, bar one, had alcoholic frostings and they were pretty delicious. My favorite was the strawberry shortcake cupcake with Champagne frosting, which I hand decorated with different sized silver cachous, to be evocative of bubbles. See, major thought goes into this shit- I don't just toss on some sprinkles and call it a day.

Sometimes I think about not bothering with university and just running off to Vienna to go to a fancy dessert academy or wherever it is pastry chefs come from; but then I remember the reality is probably a lifetime of waking up at 3am everyday and spending six hours hand peeling almonds, then having French people yell at you because you botched your macronage and your meringue is too runny, so I decide to stick with my far more practical BA in Art History and Philosophy. 

*For those of you who aren't in the know like I am, Nik Naks is an amazing dairy on Cuba St that sells all kinds of exciting American candy and also has the distinction of having the finest pick n' mix selection in the lower North Island. 

Hey, Urban Outfitters...

what.

I will take up your offer of free shipping, but only begrudgingly, BECAUSE THERE ARE NO KOALAS IN NEW ZEALAND.

Having foreigners mistake you for an Australian is the worse. Not to generalize or anything, but Australia is a huge wasteland full of demon spiders, racism and people who are way too tanned.

 When I'm overseas and people mistake me for an Australian, I instantly hold a grudge against them forever no matter how profusely they apologise. It's literally the most offensive thing you can say to someone, apart from this one time a girl told me I could be a model if I wasn't so fat.*

*It's ok, later that night she walked out of the bathroom with her skirt tucked in her undies and I totally didn't tell her. VENGEANCE.

Let them eat cake

This is the cake I made for my niece for her fifth birthday. It's a 25 centimeter high red velvet ombre cake filled with whipped cream and homemade plum jam. I don't know if you can really get a good sense of the scale from those pictures, but each layer is the size of a regular cake. Considering there were only like 12 kids at the party, I may have gone a little overboard.

I seriously love making cakes. I would make them all the time, but I don't really have anyone to give them to- it's one thing handing out some excess cupcakes or cookies; but giving someone an entire cake for no good reason is a little intense.

Aside from not wanting to be some kind of creepy cake peddler, the only other thing standing between me and my own spinoff of Cake Boss is the fact that I refuse to work with fondant. I hate the stuff. It tastes like crap, and it's CHEATING. You can make any shape with fondant so easily, it takes away all the skill. I feel the same way about fondant as Hayao Miyazaki feels about Pixar. 

I WANT THIS CAT

CATKINS DIET.

This is Meow. Meow was abandoned at a shelter in Santa Fe this weekend, and she weighs almost 20kg.

AND SHE IS SO ADORABLE.

I don't know why I find this cat so cute. Maybe I have some weird fetish I don't know about, maybe it's because I'm used clinically obese cats from hanging out with Coco, or maybe it's just because this thing looks like a giant freakin pillow you could just bury your head in while it mewed and waved its arms and legs around helplessly.

This is Coco. She insists it's glandular.

Whatever it is, I WANT THAT CAT. I wonder if she's going to have arm(paw)loads of creepy floppy skin after her diet is finished, like those people on the Biggest Loser. Because that would not be so cute.

I think insanely fat animals are right up there with my favorite genre of animal news, right next to interspecies friendships and ability to talk. Do you think we could we could pair this thing up with, I don't know, a turtle, and then teach it say 'I love you'? Because that would really blow my mind.

It could happen

[public] beating

I don't know if you've been following the [public] bar vs lesbians saga, but I couldn't manage to write it up in an in-depth balanced way without getting tl;dr, so you should definitely supplement this with additional googling if you're interested. Yes, my blog now requires homework.

Here's my best attempt at being succinct: Young couple complains online about being kicked out of [public] bar for kissing while gay. Bouncer tells them they wouldn't have been removed if they were straight. Support snowballs online; issue gets picked up by mainstream media. Girls are barraged by homophobic internet commenters, snarky reporters and accused of lying because they don't have 'proof'. Girls get exhausted, sick of being harassed, decide to withdraw complaint, go home, and eat ice cream. Naysayers rejoice. 


I have only three things to say.


1. What kind of 'proof' do these accusers want to establish that they're not lying? DNA samples? Fingerprints? This isn't CSI, it was a verbal dispute. And unless you believe in some kind of underground gay agenda, it seems the one with the motivation to lie would be the bouncer who wanted to save his job.
Add to that the fact that we know lesbians are very often discriminated against; and this particularly bouncer has apparently bounced (lol pun) around Wellington bars for years gathering a solid reputation for douchebaggery, and I don't really see why we're getting all meta about the nature of knowledge and can we ever really know the truth.

2. Rebekah and Jennie must have had a bitch of a weekend. They shouldn't be pilloried for wanting to get out of this situation and have their privacy back.

3. [public] is a crappy club anyway. Last time I went there a girl puked on my hand in the bathroom and a bunch of malaysian businessmen followed my friend and I around the bar standing directly behind us, never speaking to us or looking us in the eyes, and doing their best to breathe all over our boobs. I'll be boycotting it anyway, homophobic bouncers or not.

At the end of the day, no one but Rebekah, Jennie and the bouncer know what went down, so until we develop a Harry Potter style veritaserum there isn't a lot we can do about it. So let's just all be nice to harassed minorities, not write nasty anonymous comments online, and avoid gross Courtney Place bars; and we'll be good to go.

The Cutest Kitten Video You'll See This Week (depending on how many kitten videos you watch; and how high your adorability standards are... but it's pretty cute, promise)

It's really short, too, so if you have time constraints on your daily kitten video viewing, this is a solid choice for you.

This is one of our newest kittens, trying desperately and nearly failing, to get back on it's feet after a sweetass tummy rub.

We have three new kittens as well as a mother cat. They don't have names yet, so I've just been calling them all Mogwai until we think of something cute and witty.

SO TINY AND FLUFFY

Get Your Drink On: Vodka Mudslide Cupcakes

Since the Mighty Mighty Market is set in a bar, I decided to theme all my cupcake flavors for next month's market around drinks I love.

I couldn't think of a way to make a tequila, lime and salt cupcake taste good (testing is underway, rest assured) so I went with vodka mudslides; the ultimate bitch drink. These were what I used to buy all the time when I first got my fake ID(I love you, Alyse) and didn't have to rely on rocketfuel any more. All class, all the time. That's Frances.

Was going for a soft serve ice cream swirl effect with the icing; may have accidentally achieved the sparkly unicorn poop effect instead. 

All the vodka is in the icing- and don't be fooled by the tiny airplane bottle in the picture; there is A LOT of vodka in there. I kept adding more because I couldn't taste it through the buttercream; but then I waited a few seconds and got the aftertaste- it is INTENSE. As they say in Russia; there cannot be too much vodka, there can only be not enough vodka (it sounds much more profound if you say it in a Russian accent like I do in my head).

The market is May 5th, so get ready to get your drink on! xoxo

p.s. Kitten news- Buttercup and Farmboy got adopted today- together! The family that took them home sound really nice, and we're really happy they got to go together. A little bit sad that now there is no chance Annie will go with Buttercup, because they were bff, but hopefully she'll go home with one of her siblings. Loneliness is kryptonite to kittens.

Frances Has No Kittens.

Cobra Kai, Crazy Horse and Annie all went back to the SPCA today to get spayed and rehomed and left me all alone with nothing but a shockingly full litter tray and more scratches on my wrists than Demi Lovato.

Usually when I'm sad, I look at photos of squishy faced cats to cheer me up, but obviously that just makes things worse right now.

Still, just in case YOU'RE having a sad day too, here is a photo of a squishy face cat belonging to a girl I know. It has three legs, no teeth and a monopoly on adorable. Enjoy.

LOOK AT THAT SQUISHY FACE.

you GOTTA be kitten me

This is CATastrophically cute

If someone tells me this is shopped it will break my heart into a million pieces.

My Niece Tells Hilarious Jokes

One of the exciting things my niece has learnt at kindergarten, aside from Finger Painting 101 and Boys Have Cooties, is how to tell jokes. Here are some of her favorites:

Yeah, she's pretty hilarious. 

Goodbye, kittens #1 & #2

This is the happy face of a kitten who doesn't know she's being neutered tomorrow.

We’re giving up two of our foster kittens tomorrow- Farmboy and Buttercup. It’s going to be really hard because they’re our first kittens, and, well, Farmboy is the best cat ever. Like, actually. He poops in his box, he never scratches, he’s good at planking and he has happy sparkling eyes that melt your heart like ice cream in a microwave.*

BEST CAT EVER.

We had to fill out all this paperwork before we sent them off, and we also made a little packet of photos to send to their future owners. We put a little note in telling them how much we loved the kittens and how awesome they were and how we hoped they’d take care of it; but as soon as I sealed the envelope I just started sobbing uncontrollably, because the last thing I want to do is hand them over to some stranger who I don’t know and definitely don’t trust.

I wrote nice stuff in that note, but what I really wanted to write was something like this:

This is the best kitten in the world, and you’d better love the crap out of it. Don’t let him get fleas, because I spent hours combing them out of his fur and catching them one by one because the flea powder was slow to work and I could tell he was in pain. Don’t ever yell at him or punish him for not going in the litter box, because he’s just a baby and it’s cruel, and its probably your fault for not cleaning it, you asshole. Don’t let him go outside until he’s older. Do you know how many idiots let their cats die like this? He’s too young, he doesn’t know what to do, he’ll got lost or hit by a car, and I can tell you that’s not something you bounce back from. If he gets sick, pay his vet bills. Don’t just let him die. And, do not be one of those sick, twisted individuals who decided to move overseas then has their cat euthanized rather than bothering to find them a new owner. You are the worst kind of people.

And don’t you ever, ever mistreat him, hit him, abandon him or scare him, because if you do, I will track you down and go Mortal Kombat on your bitch ass. 

 Also, he likes playing with socks and his favorite cat food flavor is beef, so, yeah. Keep that in mind too, future owner.

Annie will also be in line to fuck you up if you mess with her bro.

 Everyone wish Farmboy and Buttercup luck for tomorrow morning while they get their genitals cut off and get to work on lookin' cute enough to find a new home. And if you've been swayed by these adorable photos and want to take one of them home yourself, text me tonight! 021 1988 111**

*Yes, I am very good at similes.

** I know its a terrible idea to post your phone number on your heavily trafficked blog, especially when  a solid portion of your hits come from google searches for 'kim kardashian sex tape' and 'wheelchair sex tape'; but I want to give Buttercup and Farmboy their best chance. I'll take it down tomorrow, so in the mean time.... don't do anything creepy. 

I think Kim & Kanye are happening, for realsies this time guys!

I'm sorry for two Kanye posts in a row, but this is pretty important news.

Have you ever imagined what it would be like if two things you loved, more than anything in the world, joined to become one? For me, that would either be a kitten made of cupcakes who could rap, OR... Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating.

The world has been taunted with this wonderful possibility before. We pretty much know (Because nothing E! tells us is ever a lie) that they slept together when Kim hit it big post Ray J int the early 2000's (if you're having trouble following all this, click HERE); but it was all heavily denied and kept on the d-low. But check out the lyrics from Yeezy's latest track, Theraflu-

And I admit I fell in love with Kim … ‘round the same time she fell in love with him … that’s cool, babygirl, do your thing … lucky I ain’t had Jay drop him from the team.

Jay being Jay Z, Kanye's mentor, and(awesomely) the owner of the basketball team Kim's faux ex husband Kris plays for.

OMG. EXCITING. I KNOW.

They were also caught leaving a showing of the Hunger Games* together; and leaving a restaurant 30 seconds apart, in he last few days.

How amazing would it be if this really happened? Kanye is pretty much the male version of Kim, but with more talent and awesome and less being peed on for money. Can you imagine the glorious collision of egos and excessive wealth? The tweets that would come out of this? The inevitable sex tape????

AND THE CHILDREN. What if they had babies? The spawn of this union would eclipse any celebrity baby, ever. It would make Suri Cruise look well adjusted. What would they name it? Definitely something starting with K. Definitely something stupid and made up. This is all too much, I need to go lie down in a dark room before I get hysterical.

There will be so. Many. Twit pics.

*How is the Hunger Games? I'm going to see it with my dad on Friday. At first I didn't want to go because I read the book ad thought it was crappily written**; and also because the franchise was so heavily marketed to swoop up the Twilight fanbase, but I have heard it's actually really good.

**Dystopian fiction is favorite genre at the moment and I have very high standards for it. Also, those stupid cave scenes went on FOREVER.

He's forgotten better shit that you ever thought of

Hey Martha, imma let you finish...

I've written a few times about my strong feelings for Kanye West, and today I realized it's a while since we had some Kanye, so heres some Kanye

MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE KANYE TWEETS (star studded nuggets of wisdom, every one)

'Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on'

'i hate when im on a flight & I wake up with a water bottle next 2 me like oh great now i gotta be responsible for this water bottle'

'I always misspell genius! The irony!'

'I hate when people email you and ask “You wanna know something?” of course but why are u torturing me by spreading this to more than 1 email'

'Do you know where to find marble conference tables? I’m looking to have a conference… not until I get the table though'

'I don’t understand why they have a do not disturb button on the plane if they keep waking you asking if you want juice'

'Dating models I had to learn to like small dogs and cigarettes'

'I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery'

I want one.

Today I embroidered... Ron Swanson.

Capitalism.

Today I embroidered Ron Swanson from Parks and Recreation. I really feel I captured the bushiness of his mustache and the jowl-iness of his jowls. He and April (and Champion!) are my favorite characters; and you should definitely watch the show if you're not already.

Today I embroidered... a cat licking its own butthole.

I was bored this afternoon so I decided to teach myself to embroider. Either embroidery is really easy, or I'm just good at everything*, because it took me like fifteen minutes to whip this mofo up. It's a cat cleaning it's butt. It seemed like the obvious first choice.

And I had my brain scans and stuff today- didn't go so great. The guy gave me all these tests where I had to memorize things and make lists and recite numbers backwards and stuff; and when he told me to list all the male names I could think of I got stuck and did the Ninja Turtles. I don't know of that makes me less or more retarded.

Stay tuned for my next embroidery project: a dramatic portrait of Ron Swanson.

*Probably this.

Kittens Eating Whipped Cream

The fur babies went a whole entire day without pooping anywhere inappropriate so we decided to give them a treat.

We took them to the vet for their shots the other day and found out Crazy, Cobra and Annie are all actually eight weeks old even through they're the size of five week old kittens- they were so malnourished that their growth has been permanently stunted. Poor little slumkitties.

In other news, I'm going in for a three hour series of brain tests tomorrow and it is going to be SO BORING. I wish I could take the kittens in to entertain me but I don't think that would help in getting me declared sane and cerebrally functional.

omg, shoes.

Years of having to wear clunky black school shoes and tight ponytails every day have left me with an inexhaustible urge to go barefoot with my hair loose whenever I can get away with it, and even if I can't. As a result, the only shoes I own are a dozen pairs of platform heels, Nike airs ('cos I'm gangsta) and a very shiny pair of black patent Doc Martins I was planning to take hiking in the Tibetan peaks until fate intervened.

So, yeah. I both love shoes for their prettyness and hate them for the nasty way they restrict the autonomy of my toes- which are weird, by the way. I have this freaky thing going on where my toe lengths are all wrong- on my left foot; the first two are the same size, then the next one is way longer, the one after that way shorter, and then the pinky toe is just veering off in a world of its own. Don't even get me started on the right foot.

Anyway, I would now like to elegantly segue on to a montage of Awesome Shoes I Want To Prance Around In. Enjoy.

18th century chopines; totes worth breaking into a museum for.

I like Keith Haring anything; and wedges are my favorite form of heel. Double win. 

Miu Miu ftw.

I think this might have been an at-home bedazzling job but I love them anyway.

I am actually currently in the process of trying to acquire a closed toe pair of these for winter. 

Louboutin Ballet stilettos. We need to make sure Tyra Banks never finds out about these or she's finally going to actually kill an ANTM contestant on one of her ridiculous runway challenges.