Kardashian Khaos Theory

I am aware that some of my readers have 'careers' and 'responsibilities' and 'social lives', so you may not have been monitoring the Kardashians as closely as you should have been.

Well, no fear. I am all over that shit like white on rice.

It has not been a good few months for the Kardashians. And with good reason- they are horrible, horrible people who do horrible, horrible things to unsuspecting major league sports players.

Sad Kris is sad.

Except for Khloe. Khloe is the best Kardashian. She is funny, appears to have a soul, and doesn’t look like an Armenian kewpie doll. She’s also currently the victim of a media frenzy over who her real father is- a frenzy that seems to be incredibly upsetting to her, but which according to my Kardashian Khaos Theory, is a decade long plot orchestrated my her evil momager Kris.

Ok, before we get started, if you're finding this a little hard to follow you should check out my previous Kardashian Krash Kourse HERE. 

HERE ARE THE FACTS.

1. Kim's divorce has been a huge source of negative publicity for the family

2. Kris does not deal well with criticism. In the past, she has harassed threatened legal action to hundreds of bloggers who have insulted her meal tickets children

3. There's too many voices for her to silence through lawyering on this one. 

4. The best thing would be for her to make like Scooby Doo and cause a distraction so people stop thinking about how awful Kim is and focus on something else...

BUT WHAT?

One of these things is not like the other...

Ok, Khloe is clearly not a Kardashian. She's two feet taller than the other girls, she has lighter hair and more olive skin, totally different facial features, she's fatter and she's not an asshole. And clearly her family know that and have always known that. This is confirmed by the fact that immediately after people started bringing up Khloe's paternity this year, BOTH of her step moms came forward and were like, yeah, Robert was pretty open about it, we all know that.

Surprised face!

We also know that the Kardashian sisters (Or the KKK, as they call themselves. No, really) are locked in a pretty intense contract with E! network. When Khloe dyed her hair blonde, E! made her dye it back before filming started to preserve the uniform appearance of the girls- to keep the sister act going. So, it makes sense that when the show started, the family decided not to discuss Khloe's paternity. It would ruin their whole thing.

THE PLOT THICKENS

So Kris has had this one in the bag for a while, and has decided to release it to deflect attention from Kim. Kris orchestrated this whole thing. Here's how:

1. Early in the show, she ran a 'maternity' test on Khloe; foreshadowing the whole adoption storyline

1. She released her book early to coincide with Kim's divorce... a book that discusses how she was having an affair the year before Khloe was born.

2. She had the kids post incriminating tweets to rile things up just as people were forgetting

The face of evil.

So, yes. Kris has been planning to profit from Khloe's drama probably since the moment of conception. I bet you anything we'll see a heartfelt confession on TV any day now.

Kris is probably out there somewhere sitting on a pile of money and drumming her fingers together like Mr Burns. Stop it, Kris! LEAVE KHLOE ALONE.