What Frances Did Today: I Became a (self) Certified Online Cat Psychic

As my regular readers will know, I am perpetually bored. I don't go to University, I don't have a a job, I don't do my own laundry. I pretty much sit around waiting for my bones to knit together and googling stuff like 'why are my toes so weird?', 'what's it like having six fingers?' and 'how can i tell if my cat has ADHD?'.

In one of my recent attempts to amuse myself, I created a fiverr account under the nom de plume 'Naomi De Plume (I am so super witty, I know) and offered to perform psychic readings on stranger's cats over the internet.

There's a lot of things to explain in that sentence. Let's work our way through it.

1. Fiverr is a website where people offer to perform a service online for $5. Stuff like proof reading documents, designing a logo, doing other peoples homework. It's a pretty cool site.

2. I didn't want to use my real name because I don't want future employers to google me and find out what kind of person I actually am.

3. I am totally cat psychic. I have all the same qualifications that human psychics have: I own a lot of crystals, I'm liberal with the eyeliner and I can whip out new age phrases like 'astral plane', 'spiritual harmony', 'quantum presence', 'holistic truths' like nobodies business.

Here's my service description on fiverr:

Ever since I was a little girl, I have known what cats are saying. Usually, it's 'I want food'. But beyond that, in every cat, there is a plethora of complex emotions, neuroses and desires yearning to be heard.
That's where I come in: Send me a photo and a brief description of your cat's lifestyle, and I will provide a psychic reading using my plane transcendal astral cat guide, Peanut, as a medium. Also, I'll use crystals. Tons of crystals.
In order to gain a spiritual connection with your cat, I will require a photograph of the cat, with their eyes clearly visible.
A brief description of their lifestyle will also be useful for me to interpret their spiritual feline energy.
Also send any specific questions you have.
Namaste.

And now, a small demonstration of my skills.

This cat feels unfulfilled in its current life role, and wishes to explore new hobbies. I suggest a laser pointer.

This cat does not want to wear a sweater. Also, she is concerned with your growing dependence on online shopping. 

This cat is worried about the environment. 

This is going to be super fun. Here's the link if you or anyone you know need some feline energy translated.

The truly depressing thing about this whole situation is not that I'm doing this, but that I'm not the only cat psychic on this website.