Udaipur

Udaipur is famous for being the setting of the James Bond film Octopussy; and for just generally looking like a magical little eastern fairy tale kingdom. I had an amazing time there but because I’m in the midst of yet another bout of violent food poisoning I’m having trouble writing about it in a coherent and entertaining manner; so I’m taking the easy way out and doing a Cracked style numeric rundown. So here we go... My Top Five Most Favoritest Things About Udaipur (Largely Livestock Based)

5. Squirtle Squad

I loved our hotel because it had a view of the lake, hot showers, and best of all- free range tortoises.

I loved the tortoises so much that I spent 40 minutes photographing the painstaking process that this specific tortoise went through to have a bath in one of the decorative marble flower petal bowls.

Awww yeah

4. WHAT. THE HELL. IS THAT.

I was exploring the old city and I noticed a little roadside shrine. Nothing unusual there, they have those all over the place.

But then I got closer.

And a little closer…

THE HORROR.

What the hell is this??? It’s like some kind of evil mountain with terrifying bloody eyes; staring into your very soul. Hindu gods in general tend to be pretty cool looking; so I don’t know what dark corner of theology this tinfoil nightmare crawled out of.

3. Holy Cows

In Jaipur, everyone’s all like ‘Oh yeah I totally love cows so much, they’re so awesome and sacred and whatnot’ but at the end of the day the poor little furry babies are wandering about the streets eating garbage and getting their insides all twisted up by plastic bags.

Not so in Udaipur.

Women on the street sell cow feed; and every day people buy it and feed the cows delicious fresh greenery. It of often said that a state can be judged by how it treats the lowest members of it’s society; so I’m pretty sure Udaipur deserves a solid high five for how nice it is to its holy livestock.

2. We’re On a Boat

You can’t visit Udaipur without doing the classic boat ride. The whole city is wrapped around a beautiful lake studded with water lilies and floating hotels; all framed by holy ghats and monkey infested trees- the whole thing is very picturesque and romantic.

For 200r we were hustled into a leaky little unit and given a round of the lake in the pouring rain. It was super fun. 

Check me out, I'm so ethnic.

1. Long Live Mother India

Monday was Independence Day and I decided to skip the parade in town and go for a ride out in the countryside instead.  Jamie wasn't feeling too well, so I went alone. When I got out there; I found out it was just me and the guide. She asked me if I could ride- I said yes. Bad move. 

"Great!" She replied, "We can take the new stallions out. They're practically broken in."

With that the groom leads out two enormous, rearing Marwari stallions. I could see straight away mine has the Crazy Eyes and I was more likely than not going to die at his hands. Hooves. Whatever.

However, embarrassing myself by admitting I'd never rode a horse with balls before seemed an even worse fate so I just got on, pulled the stirrups up as high as I could, and prayed. 

Five minutes into the ride it started monsooning and so we went galloping; like, hardcore galloping; across the hills, in the pouring rain, on these psycho horses. It was the most intense experience I've ever had sober.

 About an hour in we heard music and we followed the sound to this little hillside school in the middle of nowhere. All the students were lined up singing the national anthem, for Independence Day, and when they saw us they pulled us in, tied up the horses, gave us bindis and marigold garlands and informed us we were now their guests of honor at the celebration.

In conclusion, Udaipur is magical and I'm almost considering it instead of Disneyland Japan for my future elopement destination.