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| I couldn't find a relevant picture so we're going with this one of 90's Gwen looking mournful in a Bindi. It works. |
I’m lying on the floor of my room; just outside the bathroom door; because it’s just too much effort to drag myself from the bed to the toilet every time I need to be sick; and also because my sheets are soaked through with fever sweat and I don’t have the strength to change them.
My breasts and legs are covered in rainbow bruises from being groped on the train; my feet are blistered and dirty; I’m both pallid from illness and sunburnt at the same time; I’ve lost weight, and I only have one mouthful of bottled water left.
I don’t know how I’m going to get more since I’m too weak to walk to the shop; and too embarrassed to ask someone to do it for me since that would mean admitting I can’t stand the taste of the filtered water and seeming like a snob.
I miss my parents and my boyfriend and my friends and my cats. I miss feeling cold; I miss the wind; I miss going outside without being sexually assaulted or having money demanded of me because I’m white.
I feel guilty because I’m not at work and since I’m the only volunteer at my project area; that means there’s no class- and guilty because I should be handling these problems better; instead of just crumbling into a heap on the bathroom floor. I feel guilty because my parents will read this and worry; but I also feel guilty posting more hilariously captioned pictures of livestock when in reality, I feel awful
Even on days when I’m not as sick as I feel today I’m still not 100%- I don’t think I’m going to feel well till I’m home, in November, and it’s hard to imagine going that long feeling like this. I came here to focus on work but all I can think about is parasites and bacteria and fecal contaminants and people staring at me and touching me and taking photos.
I just feel so exhausted and I want to be home.
aw, poor thing. you'll be ok - I am sure your system will adjust soon. feeling sick is absolutely the worst so I really hope it passes soon for you. and swallow your pride and ask someone to get you water, that's SO important! thinking of you and sending hugs. xxx
ReplyDeleteFrances, I hope you're feeling better when you read this. It sounds like the pressure is piling up and getting you down a bit. I started reading your blog because I was impressed by your dedication to the cause you were trying to raise money for, impressed that a young woman like yourself would even consider this in the first place and most of all because I think it's pretty special for someone to sacrifice a lot in order to do some real, tangible good in the world. Life is too easy for us sometimes. And it's the REALLY worthwhile things that are hard. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it :) Once the fever has gone and you're re-hydrated again, just remember: you've been through a lot of effort to do something 99% of New Zealanders will never be able to match - you're teaching people some of the most basic skills we take for granted every day in an environment most people will never experience. Anyways, long and short of it, you have a lot of people rooting for ya (haha!)
ReplyDeleteStay the course, be strong (and get a can of mace!).
Take care.