Why Kim Kardashian is Famous (with bullet points)

'Famewhore? Who, me?'

With Kim’s fairytale wedding/divorce being big in the media right now; I thought it was the perfect time to put on paper something I have so often explained when medium to high drunk: Why Kim Kardashian is Famous.

If you ask most people, they will say something along the lines of “Didn’t she have a sex tape? Pssh, that’s all it takes to get famous these days. What a ho.”

This is when I yell, "SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I know EVERYTHING about the Kardashians and you are going to SIT STILL WHILE I TELL IT TO YOU."

There is so, so much more to Kim than that one time she got filmed getting a golden shower from a black dude. And I am going to tell you what it is.

• IN THE BEGINNING there was Robert Kardashian; the lawyer that famously got OJ off* despite the fact that he was clearly super duper guilty. He married Kris; and they than had four kids- Robert, Khloe, Kourtney and our girl, Kimberly Noel Kardashian; Kim for short.

Khloe was already cultivating her Chewbacca look.

• Robert and Kris divorced; and then she married washed up Olympian Bruce Jenner. Bruce was a gold medalist in triathlon and was pretty major news back in the day- on cereal boxes and stuff.  They settle down to a life of being rich and getting facelifts and have two more kids, Kendall and Kylie. 

You will be seeing a lot of these tweens in the future. I guarantee it.

• Meanwhile Kim; who by now has hit puberty and is super hot; moves to New York where she uses her fathers and her stepfathers money and connections to start a small business where she goes to runway shows and ateliers; chooses the items she believes will be most popular in the upcoming season; buys them all; and sells them to New York socialites at an inflated price.

She's not just hot; she's also pretty damn classy.

• One of her clients is Paris Hilton; who at this time is at the height of her fame. As Kim is rich, super hot, and can get her cool clothes; she quickly becomes a part of Paris’ entourage and is photographed with her at a number of A list parties and events.

Paris would later go on to compare Kim's ass to 'a trash bag full of cottage cheese.' What an awesome bitch.

• Kim than begins dating vaguely successful rapper, Ray J. They film themselves having sex in Ray J’s apartment- largely doggy style; but with a short intermission in which he pees on her. They soon break up.

"Oh gosh Ray, I hope this tape is never released, putting in place the final element in the perfect storm which propels ME to stardom and YOU to hosting a low budget dating show on VH1."

As for what happened next; there are two versions.

• Kim’s versions: The camera was stolen and the sex tape was released. Kim is devastated, humiliated and swears unholy vengeance upon the unknown villain responsible for the leak**

• The truth: Kim released the tape and profits from it to this day. We know this because the tape was leaked to Vivid Entertainment; an adult entertainment company that operates within the scope of the law- they do not show any material for which they do not have signed consent from all parties. So, Kim and Ray J must both have met with vivid executives; negotiated compensation; and signed off on the tape.

Kim's Playboy shoot, unsurprisingly, went more than slightly better than Lindsay's.

• Within a fortnight E! announces a new reality show starring Kim and her family- Keeping Up With the Kardashians. The first season focuses on her shoot with Playboy, her embarrassment over the release of the tape and her families store, Dash. The offers for promotions and modeling work come flooding in; and boom. A star is born.

Muhahahaha

Stay tuned for the sequel; in which we discuss the Other Kardashians and Why You Should Kare About Them.

This is their Christmas card picture. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE.

*Getting black dudes off would later prove to be a family trait. Lolz.

** Haha. LEAK***

***It's funny cos he peed on her.